


See Me

by AChillyDay525



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25111951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AChillyDay525/pseuds/AChillyDay525
Summary: All Stars 5 has come around and Shea and Sasha have yet to work out their issues
Relationships: Shea Couleé/Sasha Velour
Comments: 42
Kudos: 70





	1. Shea I

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is a repost because I deleted this work to think about Aquaria's tweet asking not to be involved in any kind of fiction or works. I had started laying the ground work for a craquaria spin off and impulsively deleted this whole story while I planned what to do next. The last thing I ever want to do is go against the wishes of any of the queens. I've thought a lot about it and decided to put this back up since neither Shea nor Sasha have asked for fans to stop. If they did, this would come down permanently, immediately. 
> 
> I do want to add a disclaimer: this is all obviously fiction and no one should ever approach or make the queens feel uncomfortable with any kind of fan works. I think fandom has many positive aspects such as bringing people together and allowing them to express their creativity, but it should never happen at the expense of other people. I think most people respect the queen's privacy and realize these are entirely fictional works, but I felt it important to state.
> 
> With that said, thank you to everyone who supported this story when it was first posted, and I hope you continue to do so!

It began ambiguously, a hazy idea half-formed like the marble of Michelangelo’s David before it was chiseled and polished into an ethereal beauty. The call from production had come three days ago, the list of looks and acts to prepare just yesterday. While the call had felt so anchored in the present, it still felt like the culmination of a deafening roar consisting of a hundred moments scattered across the past two and a half years. But Shea needed to focus on what they could control; during season nine they had felt so cocky, so _chosen_ , until those roses seemed to descend from heaven to slice through their dreams so cleanly and with such grace that Shea didn’t even realize they were bleeding until after they had thanked those petals for the privilege of being seared by them. It was one of the only things never discussed in hushed whispers over late night phone calls with Sasha in the months immediately following the finale. Not that Sasha hadn’t _tried_ ; the first (and only) time she whispered the words “it was supposed to be you” was at 2:21 on a Saturday morning just after Shea crawled into bed following a show, make up gone but no shower because that would have required hanging up with Sasha. Shea froze at the guilt and vulnerability that laced those six words, cutting them perhaps even more deeply than the roses had. The words were all jumbled around in Shea’s head, tantalizingly pulling away as they wanted Sasha to acknowledge who they _were_ , completely, full of disappointment and pride and insecurity and a plethora of feelings too ambiguous to even name. _See me_ , Shea wanted to whisper back.

“No,” Shea had responded when their voice finally returned. “The crown was always yours.” They had both marinated in the silence between them, Sasha’s unsteady and irregular exhales hinting at an ocean of emotion just beyond the veil of their connection that Shea couldn’t face. Seconds (or minutes? Hours?) later Shea had made some shaky excuse about being tired, about having an early morning, about something that hadn’t made sense even as the words escaped their mouth. That was the only part of the conversation that Shea couldn’t remember in vivid detail; they could still feel the cotton of the sheets ghosting against their waist, the light of a street lamp flooding into the second story apartment window, but most of all Sasha’s gentle yet rueful “goodnight, Shea” echoed regularly through Shea’s conscious on the nights when their brain refused to concede to the necessity of sleep. Each time that mournful “goodnight, Shea” reverberated between Shea’s heart and mind, they could feel those rose petals with their razor-sharp edges dance around their lungs and Shea’s last thought before succumbing to sleep would be just how beautiful Sasha had looked in a deluge of red.

Shea’s heart pounded nonstop as they spent the next three days in a trance, going through the motions as they managed calls about merch, scheduling studio availability, and choreographing their next (sold out) show in a minor theater just west of downtown. Shea anguished over the lack of contact from Sasha, but they knew that Sasha would never reach out first. When Shea had first watched back The Gayest Ball Ever, they had been stunned by the way Sasha had cocooned herself in her feelings until they had been baited and extracted from her as unwillingly as a foal being weaned from its mother. Shea knew Sasha wouldn’t be the first to return. That night after a ritualistically calming shower, facemask, and lotion application Shea pressed Sasha’s name on their phone at 9:42 on a Tuesday.

“Hello?” Sasha’s voice lilted upward in hope just barely disguising the caution underneath. The roses inside Shea’s heart bloomed at the honeyed deep voice that was speaking right now only for _them_.

“I thought of you today,” Shea said, the joy of being so close to Sasha again burning through the unease they had felt five minutes prior. “I stopped in the bookstore that I want to take you to, the one off 27th, and the store had a sale on “The Complete Works of Judith Butler” only instead of being any sort of matching set it was five different colors, seven different sizes, and everything from an old battered copy of _Bodies That Matter_ that looked like it had been left out in the rain to a first edition of _Undoing Gender_ that still had Post-It tabs in four different colors sticking out from the top. I thought both you and Judith would appreciate that.” Sasha laughed whole-heartedly, the way she seemed to do everything, any hint of caution dissipated.

“How dare you criticize the bookstore! Clearly the set was a postmodern critique by Third Wave Feminists commenting on the preconceived, unrealistic expectations of beauty and age in determining inherent value! Sometimes it’s like you don’t even pay attention to me when I’m talking about performativity of the gender matrix in the 21st century,” Sasha huffed teasingly and Shea could feel more than see or hear the delighted sparkle in her eyes and in doing so, two pieces of Shea clicked back into place.

“Girl I _listen_ it’s just impossible to get a word in edgewise when you insist that _Imitation and Gender Insubordination_ is Judith’s best work when clearly it’s actually _Gender Trouble_ ,” Shea retorted, a grin bursting forward and their entire body vibrating with heat and stimulation and _Sasha_. At the other end of the line, Sasha made a delighted squawk that made Shea grip the skin of their thighs just to have something to do with their free hand.

“You read _Gender Trouble_? What did you think?” Sasha asked eagerly and Shea could envision her pressing the phone closer to her face as though that would allow her to hear Shea’s response faster.

“I just started,” Shea admitted with a laugh. “Bitch you didn’t really think that I would let a postmodern critique through the complete works of Judith Butler sit unloved on the shelves of a hipster bookstore do you?” There was a half second pause while Shea let those words sink in. “I’m only two chapters in, but I do really like it so far. Some of it does seem so obvious sometimes but then I remember that this was written at the same time I was born and no one had ever said anything like this before and I just remember how far we’ve come and how far we still have to go.” Shea heard Sasha let out an uneven exhale.

“I spent the past few days watching an entire season of _Keeping Up With The Kardashians_ ,” Sasha admitted shyly. Shea cocked their head, pausing, allowing a moment to try and catch up with Sasha’ line of thinking. “You were born to play Blanc Chyna,” Sasha murmured warmly. _Oh_. And then Shea understood.

The hiccup in their relationship dissipated, with only two lingering effects. The roses and the crown were never brought up explicitly again. They were, however, always present. Shea interpreted all of Sasha’s showered eloquent compliments as continuous guilt over how the finale played out and Shea’s rebuttal was in the way they loved to curl up on the couch with Sasha from half a country or more away and dramatically read aloud the numerous glowing reviews to all of Sasha’s shows. It was a Band-Aid over Shea’s resentment of Sasha’s win and Shea’s self-hatred for resenting Sasha for anything, but for two and a half years, it worked.

The calls slowly diminished in frequency as work picked up for both of them to previously unimagined levels, but they never completely disappeared. The pair still shared the immense intimacy that had woven their lives together since Drag Race, which is why Shea couldn’t explain why they had never told Sasha about All-Stars. Any of them. Production begged Shea to be on All-Stars 3, but filming started two weeks after the finale aired. It was too raw. At that point, Shea couldn’t fathom what would be worse: walking back into that workroom without Sasha or walking back in with her. A year later, Drag Race called again for All-Stars 4. Shea agonized over the decision for four days, even going so far as to pull together a few runways. But the anxiety kept them up every single night. Shea _needed_ to win. The idea of losing again, of losing to someone that _wasn’t Sasha_ meant that they were just as much of a failure as they had felt on the day the roses fell. _Goodnight, Shea._

The PA who called Shea about All-Stars 5 sounded resigned even before she asked the question. She startled and asked Shea to repeat themselves. Shea smiled and echoed the answer they had given before. In that moment, Shea didn’t think they needed to win. After tours, singles, and sold out meet-and-greets, Shea finally felt like they were on even ground again. Until Shea called Sasha. Shea opened their mouth after Sasha’s excited greeting fully intending to give her the news, but all of the sudden the anxiety, the expectations, and the damn _roses_ stopped them. NDA be damned – but the words wouldn’t come out. Sasha even paused once, twice, three times in the call that would have allowed Shea the opening they needed. After the second call, on the day when the list of looks and performances came, Shea was resigned to the fact that they weren’t able to tell Sasha yet. Shea ached with the pain of keeping something like this from Sasha, but the ghost of the snake from Sasha’s season 10 finale look whispered that this was finally the ransom for the theft of the crown.

Shea still needed to figure out their variety show act. Thus, like Michelangelo, Shea began to sculpt an idea from the many sides of their brain. Shea knew they were talented. Shea loved to dance. In the context of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Shea loved that dancing pushed her as far away from the idea of Sasha as it possibly could as the need to be _not Sasha_ for half a minute felt suffocating. The sexy, mindless, rhythmic movement of Shea’s body was as far removed from Sasha’s bald performance art as possible. However, at the back of Shea’s mind, they knew this wasn’t the only reason they wanted to dance.

Paris, late 2017. They were on tour with the rest of the cast, and Shea was performing their number. The crowd roared and Shea could see nothing in front of them other than the flash of cameras and phones and there were two hot men on either side as Shea dipped and spun and the men held and lifted Shea, sultrily running their hands along Shea’s body while Shea felt like the physical incarnation of sex, wanted, desired, and completely free. Shea looked over to the wings during a step where she faced stage right, the muscular, oiled man next to them lifting Shea so that Shea could wrap their legs around his waist and cup his face. Instead, Shea looked to the wing. They saw Sasha’s full-faced grin wider than they had ever seen it before, eyes shining in what not even Shea could mistake as anything other than adoration. Forget just feeling wanted or desired – Sasha looked at Shea like she had just seen god. That was the feeling Shea wanted to recapture. And as they chiseled the features and polished the statue of their ideal variety show number, Shea realized one thing. They needed a pole.

Returning to the workroom felt exactly as Shea feared it would. Still, Shea hit the pose they wanted to and forced all their energy into perfectly quipping their opening line. They still didn’t know if it was worse being there without Sasha, or if Shea would have felt even more constricted with her there. It didn’t help that Shea was the first in the workroom with no other queens to distract them from the warring emotions that ricocheted around their brain. Shea managed to get out a “Wow Ru, love what you’ve done with the place,” that didn’t even sound convincing to their own ears. Shea feet wandered over to their former station of their own accord, letting their fingers run along the pink storage boxes, dropping their hat box on top so that every queen would know this spot was absolutely off-limits.

“This was my spot on season 9; feels kind of lucky,” Shea said, half for the cameras as evidence in case they needed to cut a bitch for stepping on their territory, but they were surprised as the words came out exactly how true they were. They remembered de-dragging after so many challenge wins, the joy of expressing their creativity, and the way Sasha had moved in to the station next to them after Kimora left, shyly at first in her endearing Sasha way as she’d tried to claim it was closer to the mirrors and meant she wouldn’t have to drag the never ending number of props she carried from the other side of the room to check on her final look. Shea surveyed the two adjoining stations and savored the one moment they could face away from the camera to reminisce about Sasha’s adorable little sexy dance and the way she had slapped Shea’s ass when Shea showed her what an actual sexy dance looked like. Shea bit the inside of their cheek to keep from releasing the luminescent grin that threatened to overtake her. Their heart swelled and started racing and the only thing Shea could think was how they were so, so lucky on season 9.

The lights shone down on Shea as the opening notes of Collide echoed across the main stage. After only a few hours back in this alternate dimension, Shea knew the answer to their earlier question. They _ached_ with the emptiness of Sasha’s absence. Shea had turned to the left not once, but three times while they painted to start to whisper a giddy comment about the workroom drama to Sasha only to be met with increasingly confused glances from Mariah. As they went to the main stage, Shea kept wheeling around when they thought they caught a glimpse of a bald head and lithe figure out of the corner of their eye. Every time Shea knew it wasn’t her, but every time they had to check as their chest constricted and heart flew into their throat. Every detail of the set seemed to conspire to remind Shea of the lack of Sasha. God, why hadn’t Shea spent more of the last two and a half years in the presence of Sasha? Their resentment of Sasha reanimated from the dead because Sasha didn’t _need_ Shea the way Shea was just realizing they needed Sasha.

Shea’s hands gripped the pole, trembling as their cue came with the opening notes of the song they had recorded months ago filling their ears. Shea hooked their leg around the pole and stared into the camera. _That’s_ where Sasha was. At that realization, this performance suddenly only had an audience of one. A foot on the ground, a spin, and Shea fluttered their eyelashes into the camera again. They may not be able to make Sasha need them, but Shea could sure as fuck do everything they could to make Sasha want them. Sasha’s expression from Paris flashed before Shea’s eyes and they gazed back into the camera. Would Sasha touch herself to Shea’s performance? The thought struck Shea the moment they clapped their legs back together, striking them with the intensity of a lightning bolt and immediately setting every cell of Shea’s body ablaze. The image of Sasha with her head thrown back in pleasure, hazy eyes trying to focus on the screen in front of her was just so fucking _erotic_ that Shea almost – almost – missed a step. Shea held the camera’s gaze as they threw their head back, sliding down and opening their legs before pulling themselves back to the pole, spine arched up against it as Shea lifted a finger to their lips. Shea was in Sasha’s living room now, a place they had never been, Sasha open and exposed with a hooded expression, hand between her legs as Shea’s arms held them off the ground, twirling around the pole holding as much eye contact as they possibly could. At Sasha’s final honeyed whine Shea hit their last steps sliding slowly to the floor, back arched off the ground, chest heaving, and staring into the blinking red light that was their only connection to Sasha. _See me._

The weeks went by and time was marked only by the other queens sashaying away one by one and the growing list of things Shea was going to say to Sasha when they got back. In hindsight, it all seemed too trivial. How could anything have kept Shea from Sasha all these years? Shea loved Sasha. They _loved_ Sasha and in only a few weeks Shea would see her again as they knew that their flight home wouldn’t be to Chicago. Even the knowledge that Shea had kept Sasha at a distance for something as foolish as a rhinestone crown couldn’t put a damper on the weightless, giddy feeling that had permanently taken up residence in Shea. They were inevitable, soulmates, a timeless love story and Shea soon even reveled in the feeling of being away from Sasha because this was the before that would make the after so, so euphoric. (A point of note: for the following week’s challenge Shea had to talk themselves down in the bathroom mirror from singing “I’m in love with SASHA VELOUR” at the top of their lungs. Seriously, Shea had first workshopped the lyrics “Brains and beauty all in one/the whispered words to make me come undone/A sublime work of art I can’t replace/The real prize of this entire race/I’ll be the shiny jewel in her crown/And every night I’ll beg her to hold me down/Oh Sasha baby can’t you see/You’re the only one meant for me? before deciding that this was absolutely the _worst possible_ way to declare their affections to Sasha, despite how joyous it would feel to say the words aloud. Shea vowed instead to sing the whole cheesy song to Sasha in their living room as they watched the episode, in the kitchen as Sasha made dinner, and as they held Sasha and fell asleep at night.)

In the workroom, Shea was more focused than ever doing everything they could to perform well so that Sasha would be proud of them. The lack of Sasha didn’t even prove to be as much of a hinderance, as Shea developed the habit of carrying on a back-and-forth with the image their mind projected of the beautiful bald queen, felt crown tipped slightly askew, eyes furrowed in contemplation, as she responded to whatever comments and insecurities Shea threw her way. (Another point of note: Shea thought they were able to do this without anyone noticing until episode 4 aired, when the camera picked up on a very faint conversation they had. “This shoulder piece doesn’t make any sense with the theme of this dress.” _“No, it definitely the main signifier of the ‘70s half of this ‘70s SCUBA diver look.”_ “…You think so?” _“It’s perfect baby. You’re perfect.”_ The camera only capturing Shea’s half of the exchange certainly served to make them look well and truly cracked, something that caused the internet to have an absolute fucking field day. The true meme of the season however was the cut to Mayhem’s confessional immediately after: “Girl Shea is really up here talking to an empty corner of the room like that has not been the downfall of every white family in every horror movie ever made.”)

And in what felt like years, but also minutes, it was down to the final four. Shea’s verse on “Bring Back My Girls” had all the judges fully gagged and the lyrics and rhythm seemed to be painted with the bold, vibrant lines of Van Gogh’s later works. Although Cracker seemed to believe she should have won, a unanimous decision bestowed the win on Shea. Shea stood on the stage for their fourth lip sync for their legacy, undefeated despite the best efforts of Alyssa, Manila, and Kennedy, each victory filling them with more confidence than the last. At RuPaul’s “Ruuuveal yourself!” Shea turned as the curtain started to rise a long, green skit started to be revealed. Shea couldn’t even begin to imagine who it might be as a fitted waist decorated with dark green ivy came into view. The pounding of Shea’s heart was the only thing they could hear at this point as they would recognize that body anywhere. The curtain stopped, fully bringing Sasha Velour into view as gasps filled the room. The light hit her just perfectly, reflecting off her alabaster skin, bald, in profile, eyes closed, a single red rose held to her nose. Shea’s breath stopped and they were sure the stupidest grin in the entire world was painted across their face as the picture of beauty stood in front of them.

  
“Sasha,” Shea breathed. As if Sasha could hear them, her eyes snapped open and she commanded the attention of the entire room as she devoured the runway before her. Sasha had yet to look Shea’s way and Shea’s eyes had yet to leave Sasha. _See me,_ Shea wordlessly begged yet again. As Ru began to speak Shea had to drag themselves to their mark and could only see Sasha’s stoic expression out of the corner of their eye. It was all at once too much and not enough.

“And don’t fuck. It. Up.” Ru concluded and then the lights were back on Shea as the opening lines of the lip sync began to play.

  
 _“I do my makeup in somebody else’s car,”_ Sasha began, eyes downcast and arms moving stiffly with Shea’s lips moving automatically as they took in the entirety of Sasha. _“We order different drinks at the same bars.”_

  
 _“I know about what you did and I want to scream the truth,”_ Shea murmured adoringly as they strutted behind a stationary Sasha, right hand coming so close to ghosting along her back that Shea would swear they felt electricity between them. Shea had formulated a different plan entirely for this lip sync, but they had missed the full beauty of Sasha during their last lip sync and Shea vowed to never let that happen again. This time, Shea was content to help fulfill whatever stunning vision Sasha had for this performance. Regardless of the outcome of this lip sync, they could still win that crown.

  
 _“She thinks you love the beach you’re such a damn liar,”_ Sasha finally looked Shea, piercing blue eyes full of fury and torment, spitting the last words right to them. Shea recoiled and for half a second, their face broke. The rage in the whites of Sasha’s eyes was enough to stun them until all of the sudden everything pieced back together. _Oh._ In an instant, Shea understood the performance that was to come. Lovers, clearly, with Sasha wishing she could just put the relationship behind her but still being too in love to let that happen and Shea playing the part of the adoring partner who was sure that the best times were just over this hill. The pair of them, together, telling this story? Shea was so sure they were about to make history together, again, this time as equals. Shea immediately schooled her expression into one of reverence and hope.

_“But I hear sounds in my mind. Brand new sounds in my mind,”_ Shea pleaded, bouncing delightedly and pirouetting around Sasha.

_“But honey I’ll be seein’ you ‘ever I go.”_ At that line, it was as if the pair somehow knew to make eye contact at the exact same time. Shea saw the conflict so clearly in Sasha’s eyes as they strutted over to her, trying to seem confident and reaching one hand out to her face. As Shea drew into Sasha’s personal space, she wheeled around turning her back to Shea and Shea didn’t have to put on a show in letting their face fall.

_“But honey I’ll be seein’ you, down every road,”_ Shea could see Sasha bringing her clenched fists up to her face as Shea spun down to the floor kicking her leg out behind her.

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it,”_ Shea begged, reaching an arm out to Sasha who still had her back turned.

_“All those rumors they have big teeth. Oh they bite you,”_ Sasha had turned to the judges for these lines and Shea pushed herself up from the floor and sashayed with flourish over to Sasha. Shea touched her for the first time, putting one finger under her chin and angling her face so Sasha was forced to look into her eyes. Watering blue orbs gazed up at her and Sasha reached out as if to wrap an arm around Shea’s waist before drawing it back.

_“Thought you said that you would always be in love, but you’re not in love, no more?”_ Shea’s lines were a question, Sasha’s a statement. Sasha’s hand reached up and gripped Shea’s wrist, moving their hand away from Sasha’s face but keeping it close enough that Shea shivered as they felt Sasha’s breath against their fingertips. Sasha’s eyes flickered to Shea’s before moving slowly and deliberately down to their lips.

_“Did it frighten you, how we kissed when we danced on the light up floor? On the light up floor,”_ Sasha leaned in and Shea was sure, so sure, that Sasha was about to kiss them that their heart pounded because this was it and their eyelashes fluttered closed. With the opening beat of the next line, Shea felt Sasha pull sharply away and disappointment sunk in their stomach like a rock. Shea kept their eyes closed and remained still, the next words a wish and a prayer.

_“But I hear sounds in my mind. Brand new sounds in my mind.”_ Shea watched as Sasha sank to her knees in grief and Shea slid to the ground, flat on their back other than the arch of their spine, curling an infinitely long leg around Sasha’s waist.

_“But honey I’ll be seein’ you, ‘ever I go,”_ Sasha’s fingertips danced across the tights of Shea’s calf, staring nearly in awe before shaking herself out of it and away from Shea’s embrace.

_“But honey I’ll be seein’ you, down every road.”_ Shea spun around, using the momentum to push them up, striding over to Sasha and dropping into a split on the way as though the pain of Sasha walking away was becoming too much to bear.

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it,”_ Shea begged again. Shea made their way over to Sasha who took another step away. Shea grabbed her hand and spun her around so that Sasha’s back was pressed against Shea’s chest, Shea’s mouth close to Sasha’s ear. The weight of Sasha felt so good and so warm there that Shea unconsciously pulled her closer before remembering where they were and loosening so that Sasha had room to maneuver if she needed. Shea knew that to sell this part, they needed to project full adoration and worship of Sasha and nothing had ever felt more natural to them.

_“’Cause honey I’ll, come get my things, but I can’t let go,”_ Shea felt Sasha’s hand clamped down on top of theirs but had no idea what else she was doing.

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it,”_ Shea breathed, letting their other hand dance down Sasha’s ribs, waist, and hip.

_“Oh honey I’ll, come get my things, but I can’t let go,”_ Sasha’s free hand snaked its way back and up to Shea’s neck, thumb brushing against their clavicle before pulling away suddenly and fiercely again. Sasha moved her body with silken grace as she had a moment to herself while Shea looked up, pleading to the heavens:

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it.”_

_“Yeah honey I’ll come get my things, but I can’t let go,”_ Sasha turned and moved back toward them as Shea, in slow motion, with unbreaking eye contact, sank to their knees before Sasha in total supplication.

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it,”_ Shea prayed to the goddess that was Sasha Velour.

_“Oh I wish I could get my things, and just let go,”_ Sasha answered and the tears that had been welling in her eyes threatened to spill over. Shea reached out for her and Sasha turned away, for the final time. Shea used the momentum to fall on their hands and knees, staring at the floor as the final words rang out:

_“I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it.”_

The lights flooded the stage as Shea struggled to catch their breath. They stood, slowly, in a daze, a grin and a laugh threatening to burst from inside them. The roaring cheers from the other girls finally came into focus as they saw Sasha, hands on her forehead, chest heaving. They were on opposite sides of the stage, so much space between them and Shea knew they needed to switch to return to their marks. On shaking legs, Shea started walking that way as Sasha turned too, eyes averted away from Shea. See. Me. Shea wanted to scream wondering why in the hell Sasha wasn’t sharing this moment with them. Shea reached out for Sasha’s hand as they brushed past one another. Shea felt Sasha’s fingers but at the contact, Sasha flinched away and clutched her hand in a fist. Shea’s stomach dropped and their blood ran cold as an almost impossible realization flowed through them. Shea thought they were going to collapse for real. She returned to her mark and Sasha’s gaze never leaving the judge’s panel confirmed Shea’s worst nightmare. This hadn’t been a performance.

  
“Shea Couleé, you’re a winner baby.”


	2. Sasha I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've combined the two Sasha chapters that were up separately last time so the story reads more as I intended! As a side note, the second half of this chapter was very hard for me to write as I wasn't sure that I captured the two of them, particularly in the dialogue. I would absolutely love any comments or feedback you guys have on this, I'm always trying to be a better writer!

Much like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Sasha could never contemplate the entirety of her relationship with Shea all at once. It was too overwhelming. Instead, Sasha broke it down, piece by piece, into holistic vignettes, each an individual masterpiece that could take her breath away but woven together became something so beautiful that it seemed to transcend the physical world and pull Sasha outside her own body.

The first vignette was certainly their time on Drag Race together. Sasha didn’t fully count the way she binged Lipstick City and read everything she could about Shea online prior to the show, although that had certainly factored into her shyness and inability to speak more than five words at a time to Shea before the Good Morning Bitches challenge. Shea had been a work of art in that workroom, one full of immaculate strokes and bold colors that had mesmerized Sasha from the moment she saw them. Shea Couleé was light personified, a mirage in the middle of a desert, the hallucination of an angel just before death. _See me, Shea._

“You’re going to have to talk to them eventually,” Peppermint had whispered with a laugh as Shea strutted away from asking Sasha if she had seen a pile of blue rhinestones anywhere for the princess challenge. Sasha had just shaken her head, unable to get any words out, and even just the simple interaction caused her hands to shake with nervousness, but even more _excitement_. The first three weeks of drag seemed to contain only two constants: Shea had _always_ seemed to be next to Sasha as Ru told them about the next challenge and the presence of Shea Couleé _always_ seemed to have this effect on Sasha.

“I did! Didn’t you just see that very smooth and not at all awkward interaction?” Sasha retorted with a smile, throwing just a quick glance over her shoulder at Shea who was now rooting through a pile of fabric and Sasha’s expression softened instantly. Pep had just laughed and given Sasha a look she hadn’t deciphered until years later.

And then they were partners and Sasha never failed to be upset at how much the show had cut of their time preparing for Good Morning Bitches together. Selfishly, Sasha just wanted to watch it over and over to prove that everything wasn’t just in her head, but simultaneously she loved the intimacy of these precious, fleeting moments that only existed between the two of them. Shea had smiled warmly at her as they sat down to plan and Sasha was certain, all the way through her bones, that this was about to be the most humiliating experience of her entire life. She’d be the first drag race girl to get kicked off because she was incapable of speaking like a normal person to (what she was quickly coming to believe was) the most beautiful human being she had ever seen. Shea had jumped right into ideas, reading from a list they had already jotted down and gesticulating wildly and the beautiful part had somehow taken a backseat as Sasha listened to the words coming out of their mouth and all of the sudden she couldn’t stop from building on it, interjecting thoughts and ideas excitedly. The way Shea’s eyes lit up in response as they volleyed back, adding to Sasha’s suggestions, made Sasha feel more at ease than she had since she walked through those doors. Before this, to Sasha, Shea had been a masterpiece painting come to life, unendingly beautiful yet static, something only to be admired. The moment they interacted however, as Shea came to life before her, fully fleshed out, spontaneous, and entrancing, Sasha decided she loved listening to them even more than looking at them. The ideas that emerged from that striking mind combusted between them. Sasha’s inner voice whispered that this could be the perfect _working_ relationship, but later on as Shea reached out and grabbed Sasha’s wrist, their earnest whispering of “You’re brilliant Sasha,” caused fire to flow straight from Sasha’s heart all the way to her ears, fingertips, and toes.

Looking back, Sasha thinks she might have survived if they hadn’t worked so well together. If everything that Shea said, did, or wore didn’t inspire her to do things, to _make things_ , that she had never fully dreamed herself capable of making. That’s what led to the roses, anyway; the song was about an excess of love, an overflowing amount of love, and Sasha knew something about that. The desire to bring into the physical world a representation of her overwhelming amount of love for Shea Couleé led to the roses, and the roses had taken everything from her. In the time between the ending of filming and the start of the finale, Sasha had a lot of time to think, alone in her apartment, in Brooklyn. She relived the season week-by-week and she was grateful that the camera had captured, as objectively as a reality TV show could, the _electricity_ that crackled in the air every time she and Shea were together. Seeing it on TV, and talking to Shea afterwards, hope began to take root inside Sasha. Peppermint hadn’t helped either, saying that their love story was too sugary sweet even for her. It was always accompanied by a good-natured eye roll and a gentle pat on Sasha’s back, but if everyone else saw it than it must be true? The fans were no help either, constantly calling for the pair to get together and Shea would always drop flirtatious comments in interviews or online, all of it colliding to crush Sasha from the inside out. It was why Sasha hated doing in-person interviews; the topic of Shea would always come up and Sasha could never trust herself to be as blasé about it as she needed to be. The only thing harder than being in love with Shea was _faking_ being in love with Shea. Scratch that – the hardest part of the entire situation was reading, hearing, and seeing Shea fake being in love with Sasha. It made it far too easy for Sasha insert those comments into other contexts and bring to life a world where Shea whispered those things in her ear right as they got ready in the morning or as they posed together for a photo shoot.

Sasha had – and she never admitted this to anyone _ever_ – begun to plan their lives post-Drag Race. She had cleared a spot on the bookshelf in her bedroom for the crown; Shea’s crown. It was clear in all the media that Shea was the heir apparent and Sasha couldn’t find it in any part of her to disagree with the rest of the world. In fact, Sasha thought she might prefer it that way as the mental image of them passionately and playfully debating whether they should live in Brooklyn or Chicago post-tour often danced its way through Sasha’s mind. She could never stop herself from smiling as she imagined telling Shea that if Shea got the crown, then Sasha could have Brooklyn as a consolation prize. In her mind, that would always cause Shea to break into a smile and sultrily walk over to her. “You’re still my queen,” Shea would whisper before capturing Sasha’s lips as she melted into their arms. “And I think I could get used to Brooklyn,” Shea would always add at the end causing Sasha to hold their cheek and lean back in for another delighted kiss.

If their relationship was the vignettes from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the finale was the one right in the center with God reaching out to connect to mortals with just a feather-light touch. The finale had so much weight, so much _gravitas_ , that it seemed to cause everything else that had happened between them to revolve around the events of that one night. Sasha hated the finale; it was in the top five worst days of her life, absolutely. From the moment Ru declared her the winner of the lip sync, she had never for a single second enjoyed her win. Her first thought was of Shea and how hurt Shea would be by what transpired. She felt Shea squeeze her hand but she wasn’t able to look Shea in the eyes. The weight of what had just happened caused her to sink to her knees and all she could think was _Shea’s been eliminated_. Shea’s touch and voice brought her back to reality amid cheers and screams and cutting through it all was Shea whispering “You’re going to have the best reign Drag Race has ever had.”

The roughly two weeks that followed between the filming and airing of the finale were really the only time that Sasha ever felt anything akin to happiness about advancing past Shea. She had spent most of the first night in Shea’s hotel room – apologizing– and Shea had said all the right things. Telling her she had nothing to apologize for, that this wouldn’t change anything between them, that they were so proud of Sasha, and that night, Sasha had believed it. She fell asleep next to Shea that night and thought that everything could be all right. Except she might have to move to Chicago.

Almost as soon as Sasha gripped the scepter however, she realized that Shea had lied. Her stomach sank as Sasha looked out into the rest of the cheering bar for the only person she wanted to share in this moment. Shea was trying their best to look happy, but the skin of their cheeks was stretched too tightly, the smile held firmly in place not by joy, but fear. Sasha saw all her hopes for the future dash away in that one instant and she tried to tell herself that maybe Shea could get over it, that maybe they could still live together in Chicago, get a dog, put on shows together, and grow old, watching with pride as their drag children fought the good fight where they left off. Sasha didn’t hear from Shea between the night of her coronation and the first day of the season 9 tour. Sasha spent those weeks when her anxiety peaked imagining Chicago Pride 2037 where she and Shea would ride a rainbow float together basking in the radical joy of a long and happy life together, teaching all the baby gays about Lipsinka, Marsha P. Johnson, and RuPaul. See _us_ , Shea, Sasha would implore. See us together.

It hadn’t all been bad though, Sasha mused, otherwise perhaps she could have gotten over Shea Couleé. On tour, they gravitated back together, hesitantly at first before accelerating into a cyclone that entwined them immovably together once again. Shea was a drug Sasha couldn’t quit. Sasha had seen the opinion emerge online several times that she and Shea would never work out because Sasha was far too intellectual; they would have nothing to talk about. Even thinking about it now made Sasha smirk. Nothing could be further from the truth. On tour they spoke nonstop, about everything from which constellations were visible in the night sky, to the economic oppression of people of color, to which color looked best on Shea (red, obviously). When Sasha got too wrapped up in ideas and theories and art she never failed to be amazed at the way Shea could pull the most important information out of her with pointed questions and, once they had all the information, offer opinions and thoughts that Sasha herself never would have considered. She wanted to adore Shea. She wanted to kiss every available inch of their skin and devote herself entirely to the pleasure of Shea Couleé. That tour was the best time of her life, when Shea lived only a wall away and Sasha saw them every day.

After the tour was harder; Sasha had never found a way to say “let me move to Chicago with you,” so she found herself back in Brooklyn relying only on late night phone calls that had slowly diminished in frequency, but never intensity. Roughly a year after Sasha nearly had a meltdown thinking she had destroyed their entire relationship by bringing up the crown, Sasha felt further away than ever from the life she had pictured for herself in Chicago. She spent time with her Nightgowns cast and several other drag performers and friends in Brooklyn, but none so much as Peppermint. Pep was a fixture at the Wednesday night soirées Sasha held, and one stood out to her more than most. The rest of the Nightgowns cast had spent the better part of an hour teasing Sasha for her (lack of) a love life, offering to set her up with friends of friends, playfully showing her how to operate Grindr, or even just openly propositioning her. Sasha played coy, fluttering her lashes and retorting that all the best artists needed a celibate phase to focus entirely on their art. After everyone left, Sasha poured herself a drink and let out a shaky exhale.

“I know it’s hard to hear, but they might have a point you know,” Pep had murmured, resting a hand on Sasha’s shoulder. “It might be time to move on, to accept that it was something beautiful and meaningful, but ultimately not meant to be.” Sasha shook her head emphatically.

“One does not just move on from Shea Couleé,” she had whispered softly, and that was the end of that.

When production called, Sasha had to blink and ask them to repeat themselves. As an assistant, who sounded no older than 20, explained the concept of the lip sync assassin Sasha prepared herself to say no. That show had shown her everything she could never have and Sasha saw no reason to return. But without so much as stopping for a breath this kid adoringly tells her how her lip sync made him want to get involved with drag and Drag Race and how he was so excited for Sasha to give another iconic performance, so she stopped to consider it. It would be less than one day of filming – a few hours – and she contemplated the idea of performing, on national television, something she could look back later and be proud of, something free from the guilt. Sasha didn’t even consider Shea in that moment because Sasha knew that Shea had no plans to go back on All-Stars. If they hadn’t been by now, they never would. And so, Sasha surprised herself, agreeing to the idea and already formulating an outfit in her mind.

A few weeks later, Sasha found herself in her own dressing room, housed in a part of the set she had truly never laid eyes on. She drew in her eyeliner, pulling it up in a definitive wing as she listen to her PA babysitter Laurie, a slight 20-something with chestnut brown hair who’s incessant chattering caused Sasha to have to redo her brow – twice. Sasha buried her annoyance and smiled when appropriate, choosing instead to focus on Laurie’s walkie-talkie for updates on the queens. She hoped she would find out soon who would be her opponent, or even just some idea of who was here. Due to a combination of her relative lack of involvement with the show and her introverted nature she hadn’t been privy to any of the gossip surrounding the season. (That wasn’t entirely true – Peppermint, via Bob, had heard from Monét that she had a sneaking suspicion that season 10 would be well-represented but Pep hadn’t known any names.)

“Queens returning for deliberation,” a deep voice rang out over the static which caused a brief flare of benign curiosity. “Queens returning for deliberation.”

“Any idea who I’ll be lip-syncing against?” Sasha inquired innocently, interrupting Laurie’s monologue about the vacation she had planned to St. Kitts following filming. Laurie shrugged.

“I’m not sure; we should find out soon. We’ll have to remove the mics from the other queens and they usually call specific people to do each of them so by process of elimination we should know soon.”

“There’s no rush,” Sasha reassured her, although Laurie didn’t seem too concerned anyway. “Just curious!”

About half an hour later, Laurie’s walkie-talkie clicked back to life and Sasha felt herself perk up.

“Deliberation over. Prepare queens for main stage.” Sasha felt her heart pick up a bit of speed with anticipation; this would certainly influence the performance she had planned.

“Jason to Cracker, Miguel to Juju, and Mika to Alexis.” Laurie squealed.

“That means Shea won! We were all hoping this would happen!” Sasha wheeled around, certain that she had misheard. She _must_ have misheard. There was simply no other option. The walls of the room seemed to start to cave in as Sasha’s mind started spinning. Or maybe that was the room. The room had also started spinning and there seemed to be a distinct lack of oxygen. Sasha felt the blood pound through the veins of her hands, certain they were visibly bulging.

“What?” Sasha asked weakly.

“Oh that’s right!” Laurie said with a delighted laugh. “You wouldn’t know that Shea was still here! Shea has been absolutely killing it, this is her fourth challenge win again! We were all _dying_ for her to win again tonight, the rematch between you is going to be the highlight of the season!” Sasha felt her heart slowly begin to separate, each chamber pulling against the rest and twisting themselves around the rest of Sasha’s organs.

“Shea Couleé is here?” Sasha asked softly, hands shaking and voice wavering. Sasha didn’t realize either of those things were happening until her lip stick tube clattered against the floor and Laurie spoke.

“Yeah, wait, did you not know?” she asked in confusion with a touch of eagerness. Those words were a knife to Sasha, cleanly severing the few remaining bonds between the pieces of her heart as something inside of her broke. Shea hadn’t told her. She thought Shea told her everything. It seemed that way, with Sasha able to recite perfectly Shea’s difficulties growing up, their thoughts on the racism in the Chicago drag scene, and the way they were so afraid that being one of the most popular queens would go to their head. And Sasha had torn herself apart to lay herself bare for Shea. She had told Shea that she wasn’t sure she could survive another grief like when her mother died. She had told Shea that she worried constantly about being so pretentious that she couldn’t connect to other people. She had told Shea her fear that someday her mind would leave her, and then Sasha Velour would be nothing. And yet, Shea hadn’t told her this. _Why would they?_ Sasha’s mind whispered. _You ruined this for them the first time, of course Shea would want you as far away from the crown as possible_. But Sasha’s heart started to meld into steel. She had flayed herself over and over for Shea and they couldn’t even give her this. Sasha wheeled back around to the mirror, tears already clouding her vision and anger beginning weave the rigid fragments of her heart back together.

“I need to be alone to finishing preparing for this lip sync.”

Sasha’s feet unconsciously led her back to her dressing room after the lip sync. She wasn’t sure how she made it in all honesty; she had a vague awareness of people coming up beside her and it seemed like they were saying things, but Sasha felt as though she were wandering through a dark fog, mind blissfully empty. She felt _nothing_ and it felt _so good._ She closed the door to her dressing room and something inside of her nudged that she had just closed a door in someone’s face. Sasha sank slowly down into her chair, the mirror in front of her a shiny, blurry mass. Sasha’s hands ran over the armrests and the feeling of the coarse material started to tether her back into the present, her reflection in the mirror starting to reveal the sharp lines of her eyeliner and the rounded edges of her red lips. Sasha recoiled from the moment, squeezing her eyes shut as she fought to stay in the numbing haze. Her first fully coherent thought since the end of the lip sync was _please don’t make me go back_. Her body wouldn’t let her hide in the recesses of her mind however, and the pain and anger started wrapping themselves back around Sasha’s heart, constricting it until she felt like it was about to explode. Sasha opened her eyes and the reflection that stared back at her was a stranger. Tears had clearly run down her face, bringing bits of eyeliner to dry like black raindrops dotting her cheeks. Shea had told her that her eyes were always so expressive and that they were the reason she could never get away with a face-to-face lie. Sasha had laughed and told her that wasn’t true, she was completely capable of lying thank-you-very-much, but the gaze that stared back at her held pain in the clouded grey of its irises, rage in the obsidian dilatation of her pupils, and emptiness in the whites of her eyes.

_Shea_ her brain whispered and Sasha squeezed her eyes closed again, head falling into her hands as the image of the goddess in pink flashed before her in rapid succession to the beat of the lip sync. Sasha caved to her brain’s demand of immersing her back in that lip sync, knowing that existing near Shea again would dull the pain, but only momentarily. Shea’s face appeared in front of her, soft and hopeful, and Sasha’s fingertips twitched as she recalled her delicate touch that cupped around Shea’s knuckles. Sasha’s breathing quickened as she forced herself to commit the details of the lip sync to memory, the delicate gold highlighter on their cheeks, the warm chocolate of their open gaze, and the heat of being pulled against Shea’s chest. Sasha let out a sob as she felt the ghost of Shea’s arm curled around her waist and Shea’s breath against her ear. That moment had felt just as perfect as Sasha had always imagined and its absence made Sasha feel lost again. Sasha opened her eyes again let out a sardonic laugh at the state of her makeup. Sasha shook her head and with a shaking hand reached for her make up remover and began to return to her blank canvas. As Sasha wiped away the last bit of lipstick she heard the echo of a voice from down the hallway that chilled her to the bone.

“Where is Sasha?” Shea demanded and Sasha could picture her straight back and elegant poise towering over the rest of the mere mortals like Aphrodite looking down from Mount Olympus. “Where is she? I know she’s back here!” Sasha heard the determined clacking of Shea’s heels down the hallway and she started shaking. She couldn’t see Shea. She couldn’t. Her resolve would break and Shea would shatter her heart all over again. Sasha heard the clacking slam to a stop as Laurie started speaking.

“I’m sorry Shea, but we can’t let you in there without cameras, if you’ll wait 20 minutes for us to get something set up…”

“Cameras?” Shea barked with more than a hint of venom. “Do you know who I am? What about me makes you think that I will not walk out of here, breach of contract be _damned_? I need to see Sasha right now – _with no cameras_ – or you will not have single second of footage of me again _ever_.” Sasha wished she hadn’t let out a huff of a laugh as she pictured Shea Couleé filled with righteous indignation giving Laurie every bit of what she deserved. The ghost of a laugh died inside her chest as she heard an incessant knock at her door.

“Sasha!” Shea’s voice called out from the other side of the piece of wood. “I know you’re in there, please open the door.” The undertone of desperation in Shea’s voice caused Sasha’s throat to constrict. Sasha sat, frozen in place staring at the reflection of panic from the mirror.

“Sasha I’m not leaving until you open this goddamn door!” Shea pounded on the door twice and Sasha debated the pros and cons of letting Shea in. Sasha weighed the conversation that was to come against being in the presence of _Shea Couleé_. She weighed the possibility of freeing herself from the secret she had carried for so long against the quiet, regretful tone of Shea’s rejection. Sasha heard the thunk of Shea’s forehead hitting the door and without thinking she robotically stood up and unlocked the door, returning to her position in front of the mirror but unable to look at her reflection. She was always going to be this person that seemingly couldn’t exist without devoting herself entirely to Shea. Sasha heard the door handle turn slowly, as if Shea held just as much trepidation as Sasha herself. The door open and Sasha felt Shea’s presence. Sasha pictured Shea like a lioness, all rippling muscles and potential energy and more than anything – _dangerous_. The energy of Shea Couleé pressed against Sasha’s back as firmly as if Shea was holding, pining her up against the wall. Sasha’s pulse quickened at the thought.

“Sasha what the fuck?” Shea’s harsh words were tempered exponentially by her tone, soft and unsure, as Sasha wanted to cry again. Anyone who could make Shea sound like this had to be a monster. Sasha lifted her wall again, she couldn’t let Shea in, she couldn’t let Shea see her love but most of all she couldn’t survive Shea treating her this way anymore. Sasha pictured this as another vignette, one with a clean, straight, even, black line separating the two figures. That would be a much more beautiful image than the jagged, asymmetrical gash that Sasha was afraid she would sketch.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Shea,” Sasha tried to deflect, reaching for her t-shirt and refusing to look back at Shea. _Don’t look at me_ , Sasha begged internally.

“Bullshit,” Shea said softly and Sasha heard the echo of their heels against the tile floor as they moved closer. “We haven’t been like this since…” Shea’s voice trailed off, clearly deciding against that avenue of thought but at the reminder of Shea pulling away from her after that one moronic comment about the crown all those years ago, Sasha’s anger flared back to life.

“No please, finish that thought Shea. We haven’t been like this since you decided to ignore me for _days_ all for the original sin of mentioning that stupid crown,” Sasha bit out, resentment overflowing out of her with her gaze finally being pulled back up to the mirror to gaze at the reflection of Shea. They were so beautiful, but Sasha refused to put any more thought into the way the fluorescent lighting couldn’t damper the depth of Shea’s eyes or the way their body shimmered with muscle and grace. Shea had the decency to look at the floor with Sasha’s comment. Shea exhaled and their shoulders slumped.

“I’m so sorry about that. So completely sorry. And I’m sorry for not telling you about All-Stars. I tried, I just…” Shea waved their hand in front of their face in a vague gesture but dropped it again. “I couldn’t tell you beforehand. I tried – remember the day when you told me about Quibi? I called you then to tell you about All-Stars, but the words, they just wouldn’t… I thought I would have a chance to tell you after, after I knew how it would go. I could control it then, and I wouldn’t have this…this…this… _anxiety_ of expectations and I could lay it out in a line for you and maybe then I could get you to understand… I could tell you while I held your hand and told you how much you meant to me and maybe then you wouldn’t hate me for keeping this from you,” Shea wiped away a tear with their thumb and Sasha stared at their reflection, the statuesque beauty of Shea filled with regret and sorrow and a hundred other emotions that Sasha could never decipher even with a dictionary of Shea’s expressions. Sasha’s feet wanted to turn to Shea and wrap them up, protecting them from all of this because _nothing_ should ever hurt Shea, especially not anything Sasha could protect them from. But Sasha’s heart clamped down, the twisted ivies of rage and pain snaking around it, inside it.

“It’s not even about All-Stars!” Sasha hissed quietly before she could stop herself, fingers coiling around the edge of the vanity, years of loneliness and heartache bubbling to the surface. “It’s about the way you never let me love my win; it’s about you letting me _believe_ that we could still be the same after the crowning; it’s about the way you care more about a _crown_ than you do me; it’s about the way you let me see something more for us and it’s about the way you _led me on_ for three goddamn years.” Sasha’s voice had risen, crescendoing into a righteous anger with a cadence not out of place in a heated debate between friends, but a tone and volume that, for Sasha Velour, was akin to a primordial shriek. At the last words however, her voice cracked and dropped to a whisper. Sasha pictured the Sistine Chapel of their relationship, closing her eyes to take in the full beauty as she felt the strokes of the brush painting this next scene. She used to believe any scene with Shea Couleé would by necessity be beautiful, but this was ugly and abhorrent and she wanted to burn it off the face of the earth entirely.

“It’s not about fucking All-Stars,” Sasha whispered, opening her eyes to be met with the reflection of Shea yet again. Shea’s eyes had widened in shock and they seemed to be rocked back on their heels, digesting the information as confusion began to wash over their face like waves sliding over a beach. Sasha looked down again, unable to hold eye contact with the person for whom she would rip her heart out and put it on a silver platter. In that moment Sasha wanted to curse whatever gods had conspired to create her ideal person, so beautiful on the inside and outside and full of such depth that Sasha could drown forever.

“Sasha, what? Lead you on? What are you saying? I would never…Sasha I _love you_ ,” Shea finished emphatically, reaching a hand out to Sasha’s shoulder. Sasha’s heart shattered like ice and she let out a sob, flinching away. The echo of Farrah Moan’s _you don’t love me_ echoed through her mind and in another situation, she would have laughed at how applicable that reunion was at this moment. Shea didn’t love her, not like she loved Shea and not like she needed Shea to love her. To hear the words now felt like someone was sawing her open with a rusty blade. Sasha could practically feel her ribs crack with the explosive pressure of her heart beating out of her chest.

“Shea, I can’t, I can’t hear this from you right now. Please. If you still care about me at all, you’ll just leave. I need…I need time. I can’t see you right now. Please, please just leave.” Sasha refused to look up again, she wasn’t strong enough to hold firm if she had to gaze into the eyes of Shea Couleé. Tears flowed freely down her face. _Please, please don’t look at me_. Shea didn’t move for one, two, three heartbeats. Finally, the revealing clack of Shea’s heels landed twice and Shea was right next to Sasha. The heat that came off their body was scorching and Sasha wanted it to burn her alive. Shea reached out and pulled Sasha to them and there was no will left in Sasha to refuse. If Shea pushed, Sasha would cave and simper and beg for Shea to forgive her. With Shea still in drag, the side of Sasha’s head leaned into Shea’s chest and Sasha felt a steady drip of tears on the top of her head. Sasha reached a shaky hand up to Shea’s back and let just her fingertips rest underneath Shea’s shoulder blades. She felt Shea take a sharp inhale and squeeze her just a little bit closer.

“Okay. Okay,” she heard Shea whisper. “I lov…” Shea cut off and Sasha felt them immediately pull away, the rapid clicking of their heels taking them far, far away from Sasha.

As the tears cascaded down Sasha’s face, she realized that she would never fully heal from this moment.


	3. Shea II part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realize not a lot of action happens in this chapter, but it's the set up for A LOT to happen in the next part of Shea's! Again I love, love, love comments since they keep me so motivated and I love hearing opinions and thoughts! I'm not sure this chapter fits with the style of the rest of the story, so please let me know if you agree/disagree!

Shea’s feet carried them down the hallway as their mind was so slow to catch up to the new reality. They felt the ghost of Sasha in their embrace, the softness of her skin and the weight of her head against their chest and Shea was disappointed, but not surprised that they had managed to fuck this up too. Shea wanted to wheel around and kick that door in, then spill out everything they felt for Sasha and make her listen goddamnit. But Shea couldn’t do that. Sasha had asked them to leave, and Shea had to respect that because even if Sasha ever forgave Shea for ignoring her wishes, Shea would never forgive themselves for it. Shea had made it all about _them_ for so long that they would combust if they did that for even another second. Denying Sasha agency would be just another crime to add to the many Sasha had recited, and Shea was guilty of all of them. Shea let out a sob and pressed a hand to the wall, steadying themselves. They were guilty of _all_ of Sasha’s accusations. They had pushed the repercussions from their mind, but as soon as Sasha spoke those words, the entirety of their relationship since season 9 flashed before Shea’s eyes. _Of course_ Sasha hadn’t loved her win, seeing how much the loss had pained Shea. _Of course_ Sasha would think that Shea wanted the crown more than they wanted Sasha; that crown had divided them the moment – Shea _made it_ divide them – the moment it was placed on Sasha’s head.

Shea’s mind tried to shy away from the last charge; Shea could barely face it but they were _Shea Motherfuckin’ Couleé_ so Shea forced themselves to hear the way Sasha’s voice broke as she accused them of leading her on for three years. Tears flowed down Shea’s face, because as much as they didn’t want to admit it, this was true too. Some part of Shea had known how Sasha felt about them. But that _fucking crown_ and the suffocation of Shea’s inadequacy after the finale had made Shea feel that they weren’t worthy of Sasha. The subconscious fear of being relegated to Sasha’s arm candy – “Season 9 Winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race Sasha Velour and date” the photo caption would read – and of always being a disappointment had kept Shea from ever voicing their desires and changing the subject any time the conversation got too close to revealing the truth. The only time Shea had ever allowed those thoughts to bubble to the surface was the night the finale was filmed, as Sasha had fallen asleep in Shea’s bed. Sasha had fallen asleep curled tightly in a ball, but as she fell deeper into slumber her limbs had loosened, her legs stretched across the bed and her arm on Shea’s chest. Shea had watched her for hours as the creases between her brow softened and Shea had run their fingers along Sasha’s tattooed arm. The voices whispering that Shea had never deserved this, that Shea would never be a true star like Sasha, and that soon everyone would be so disappointed in Shea were silent. Instead, Shea’s mind had whispered how beautiful Sasha looked, how needed this rest was for her, and how privileged Shea was to be next to her and watch over her. Shea had selfishly but gently wiggled Sasha’s head onto their chest and pulled her body close to them. The weight of Sasha felt so comforting, like coming home, and as Shea couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore; the thought briefly flickered through their mind that everything would be worth it if they could have this every night.

When Shea woke up a few hours later, Sasha was gone.

_Too little too late_ , contemporary Shea thought with a bite, sitting on the floor with their back against the wall. Sasha could have been theirs all along, but pride and fear had torn the best thing they ever had from them. Shea had spent the last six weeks imagining what life with Sasha would be like, from waking up to Sasha working from bed (since Sasha has _always_ been such an early riser) and convincing her to put work away and snuggle for a few more minutes, to Sasha falling asleep on the couch in the evening with her head in Shea’s lap.

“Where the fuck have you been? Everyone’s looking for you!” A voice broke Shea from their reverie and Shea looked up, blinking tears from their eyes so that the image of Miz Cracker could take shape in front of them. Cracker looked at them with worry and concern, biting her bottom lip. “Never mind that now, we’ve got to get you hidden so I can fix up your makeup girl.” Cracker reached out and grabbed Shea’s hand, trying to pull them up. “Girl, you know this is never going to work unless you help me out here,” Cracker deadpanned which caused Shea to let out half a snort. “Oh, she can be funny! I’m going to have to add this gag to a show. Me, trying to drag around Shea Couleé? _Oh, I could never, I’m far too dainty for that!_ ” Cracker’s voice rose to a high Southern drawl, the absurdity of which caused Shea to let out a tiny laugh and snap them out of it enough to push themselves off the floor.

“Come on, there’s a closet this way,” Cracker said as she led Shea there and closed the door behind them. Shea briefly wondered how Cracker had even found this place, but before they could ask Cracker was speaking again. “Wait here – _do not move_ – we don’t want any of the crew catching you looking like this, whatever happened we do not need those parasites leeching off your pain. Now what are you not going to do?”

“Move,” Shea answered robotically.

“Good,” Cracker nodded and closed the door behind her. And then Shea was left alone again with their thoughts and the massive migraine that was pounding in their head due to all the crying. Shea focused on the throbbing in their head because if they focused on that, they didn’t have to hear Sasha begging them to leave anymore. Shea tried to control their breathing, they could feel themselves wanting to hyperventilate, but Shea couldn’t have a panic attack, not here.

_“Breathe darling,”_ Sasha whispered in Shea’s ear and they closed their eyes, trying to steady out their racing heart. Sasha’s hand glided along Shea’s shoulder, moving down to their arm and squeezing their hand.

_“What was something good you saw today?”_ Sasha asked, leaning her head against Shea’s back. Shea squeezed their eyes closed, needing to commit to this fantasy to not fall apart, imagining the weight of Sasha’s head and letting her words fill their ears.

“You, in that dress,” Shea answered hoarsely, another tear falling down their face. “You looked so beautiful.”

_“You did too, darling. Simply stunning…”_ Sasha’s voice trailed off for a second as her arms wrapped around Shea from behind. _“What’s something good you heard today?”_ she breathed in Shea’s ear.

“That I won the challenge,” Shea said honestly, allowing a moment to recall the moment less than two hours ago where they were guaranteed a spot in the final 3. Shea had felt euphoric in that moment and tried to cling to that for another second.

_“You were amazing,”_ Sasha purred. _“I’m so proud of you Shea, I’ve always been so proud of you.”_

“Sasha, I’m so, so, so sorr…” Shea started to whisper before the door opened again. Shea’s eyes snapped open and Sasha was gone, leaving a gaping hole in Shea that they didn’t know if they could fill.

“We’ve got to be quick,” Cracker said, pulling the door shut behind her and Shea forced the tears that threatened to spill back down. “Sit,” Cracker ordered, pointing at an overturned bucket. Shea obediently sat and Cracker began pulling many, many makeup products out of her bra. She pulled out a wipe and started dabbing at places that couldn’t be salvaged.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Cracker asked softly.

“Not really,” Shea’s voice cracked, staying still so they wouldn’t mess up Crackers ministrations.

“Fair enough,” Cracker nodded and squeezed Shea’s hand. “Just know I am here for you girl, and if you ever do want to get it off your chest, I would be more than happy to listen. You’re my friend Shea, and you know I’ll be able to relate because no one is as good at fucking things up as Miz Cracker!” Cracker tried to lighten the mood and Shea appreciated it, but they didn’t trust themselves to speak so they just nodded. Cracker fixed Shea’s make up in silence as Shea tried to numb themselves completely, but knowing that Sasha was still in this building somewhere was causing Shea’s broken heart to pound. Sasha was so, so close and Shea could feel their body being pulled toward her as though the state of being _away from Sasha_ was so unnatural. Every second was a new battle between Shea’s instincts and rational body. Shea would succeed in staying planted firmly in place only for the urge to chase Sasha to resoundingly return the next instant.

“There, finished,” Cracker declared a few minutes later as Shea was exhausted just from staying in place. “It’s not perfect, but just a heads-up you left the stage crying so it shouldn’t be perfect. I’m sure production is going to want you to talk about it when we get back to the workroom, so you should figure out what you want to say.”

“What happened?” Shea asked, meeting Cracker’s eyes for the first time.

“You started crying right after Ru announced you as the winner of the lip sync. Sasha left and Ru had to ask you twice to show the lipstick and you finally did. Alexis came up and hugged you, then she left and you tried to follow her, but Juju grabbed your arm and kept you there. I don’t think anyone else saw that. Then when we left the main stage you just disappeared,” Cracker finished, worry apparent in her eyes. Shea tried to process the events Cracker relayed to them and tried to find a memory of any of this in their mind, but none were forthcoming.

“Are you ready to go back? Well, it doesn’t really matter because it’s time,” Cracker mused, not unkindly. “I’ve got your back Shea. Hey,” Cracker grabbed Shea’s hand with a squeeze and forced them to look at her. “If anything ever gets to be too much, or someone asks you something you don’t want to answer, just squeeze my hand and I’ll jump in. People may say I’m not a comedy queen but she’s won both improv challenges for a reason goddamnit!” Shea was able to curve their mouth into a hint of a smile.

“Thanks Cracks.”

“And…ACTION,” camera operator called twenty minutes later. Shea sat in between Cracker and Jujubee on the couch, closing their eyes for a second to try and anchor in the present.

“That lip sync is going to go down in Drag Race herstory,” Cracker said. “It was so, so good.”

“Just amazing,” Juju gushed. Juju’s eyes flickered over to a producer before speaking again. “How did it feel to lip sync against Sasha again Shea?” Shea took a moment to think about their answer; Shea wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ , lie if there was any chance Sasha would see this, but that didn’t mean that they had to tell the whole truth. Shea didn’t owe the world their pain; as a black person, the world had enough of that already.

“It was…confusing,” Shea started slowly, beginning with the most basic form. “You both know that the aftermath of the season 9 finale was difficult for me, but being here has helped me see what’s important. If this lip sync happened a year ago, I think I would have been paralyzed on that stage and just seen the roses over and over and over again and having her here I would have just felt overshadowed, _again_. When those roses fell, it was all about Sasha and her moment and I was just the backdrop. But now, when the curtain lifted, I was just happy to see Sasha,” Shea shrugged their shoulders and put their hands in their lap, trying not to cry and doing everything they could to keep their voice even. “Sasha means so much to me, and being here without her has been…hard. But I’m finally at a place with _me_ that I can be here without her and slay this competition, and stand on that stage together to create a lip sync _as equals_.” Shea’s hands started to shake as they tried to tell themselves that this was the _whole story_ that this character growth was the only reason they were crying and not the fact that _Sasha begged them to leave_. Cracker reached out and grabbed one to steady it before responding:

“Girl, I think I speak for myself as well as the rest of the goddamn world when I say that you and Sasha were _always_ equals. I remember watching season 9 and thinking what a fierce battle that whole season was. You’re each good at different things which is what made the two of you so compelling to watch.”

“Same!” Juju jumped in excitedly. “When I saw _Category Is…_ I was like _who is this bitch_?? And your runways?” Juju kissed her fingertips. Shea let out a weak smile. “Shea I think you just gotta stop being _So Emotional_ baby.” Cracker let out a delighted half laugh before stopping, looking at Shea guiltily. Shea smiled and bit their lip, giving Cracker’s hand brief squeeze.

“Yeah, I guess I am just a little bit.” Cracker squeezed Shea’s hand in response.

“I don’t know about you ladies but I need to get out of this goddamn corset so my lungs can expand back to their normal size!”

It all became so much harder when Shea was alone in their hotel room that night. Shea felt empty, emotionally and physically drained, and there were no tears left in them to cry but Shea knew they would never sleep tonight. Not even imagining Sasha next to them would get Shea through the night. Instead, Shea pulled back the curtains on the window, light pollution from L.A. giving the entire room a golden haze. Shea spread all the pillows out on the floor so they were marginally more comfortable, staring out the window at the flickering lights from planes taking off. Shea spent the entire night imagining that Sasha was on each of them, the ache of losing the lights to the night sky stabbing them in the heart each and every time.


	4. Shea II part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH WOW this was so difficult to write! I thought the other chapters were hard but man...this one was a doozy. I want to thank everyone that has commented or left a kudos, it's much appreciated!!! You honestly have no idea how much your feedback means, I love literally all of it. And now I would like to beg for even more of it: please let me know what you think of Shea's characterization here, but also what you think of what happened in the plot! I had something different planned initially, but this just hit me and then was the only option I could comprehend. Did you see this coming?? Love it?? Hate it?? Please let me know!!!

Shea returned to the workroom the next morning with their chin up and eyes steeled over. They hadn’t shed a tear since the van ride back to the hotel last night, and the long, sleepless night staring at the lights hadn’t necessarily provided Shea with any answers, but it had allowed them to feel some numb acceptance of the lack of Sasha. It was because Shea had been too selfish, too aloof, and too timid to claim Sasha as their own, and now it was too late. Shea had no one to blame but themselves. Shea made their way over to their station under the guise of putting their bag down, but in reality, the move was just to have a moment alone with the photo of them with Sasha behind the scenes of the season 9 tour. Shea had pushed Sasha’s makeup aside and sat on her vanity, Sasha in the chair in front of them and the pair were laughing delightedly about something Shea couldn’t even remember anymore. Pep had snapped the photo, Shea thought, although in truth there was no way they would remember, in the moment Shea had only had eyes for Sasha. Sasha had been clad in bold hues, color blocked like a Warhol with the intensity of a Dalí. Shea’s fingers brushed the photo. So Sasha didn’t want Shea’s love anymore. Shea couldn’t blame her. But this? Maybe they could have this again one day. And Shea felt their heart break, but they knew they would be so, so okay with that, as long as they could be close to Sasha again. Shea’s eyes closed. They always worked better with a goal in mind, and this image of Sasha, this was the goal.

“Hello, hello, hello!” The voice of Rupaul himself rang out, snapping Shea out of their thoughts. As they made their way over, Shea had never been more hyperaware of the cameras during either of their runs on the show. Shea did everything they could to avoid looking into the empty circles of black that surrounded them, making them feel closed in.

“My top three All-Stars,” Ru said, surveying Cracker, Shea, and Jujubee before him. “For our final episode, we’re going back to our roots…and having a ball!” Beside Shea, Cracker clapped her hands together with a squeal and Juju’s jaw dropped. Shea forced a smile on their face, but hopefully it didn’t look as fake as it felt. “I want to see your story. This is all about your transformation and journey to get here and I want that to shine in this ball. Categories are: First Time Fish, Original Season Realness, and All-Star Eleganza. These looks are all about you – so use the other pieces and anything else you brought to the competition to make these wholly original looks. Meanwhile, you’ll each sit down for a one-on-one interview with me for my What’s the T? podcast. Now, I’m sure you ladies have a lot to do, so I’ll see you all later, _henny_.”

Shea joined the chorus of the other girls’ “Bye Ru!” trying to pretend like everything was normal. As the door closed behind her, Cracker and Juju jumped into action, darting over to their stations on the other side of the room while Shea moved languidly back to theirs.

A few hours passed, and Shea had not made a ton of progress and shockingly, Shea couldn’t find it in themselves to truly care. Shea slapped together a swimsuit for their First Time Fish look, robotically sewing pink fabrics together that reminded them of their first days in Chicago. It felt good to do something with their hands, and Shea turned their mind off for sheer self-preservation, as they would _break_ under any more self-flagellation, and allowed muscle memory to just…construct. Jujubee had returned from her podcast recording about half an hour ago and had casually chatted about how she and Ru had discussed her parents, her cats, and what this crown would mean after nearly a decade. Shea had tried to interject something when appropriate, but clearly was not fooling Cracker based on the way she kept trying to meet Shea’s eyes, only for Shea to glance away the moment they connected.

“We’re ready for Shea in the podcast studio,” Shea heard a walkie-talkie sputter out and they let their foot off the pedal of the sewing machine. Shea felt dazed as they stood up, mind blinking back to reality. _Sasha hates you_ , their mind whispered and Shea flinched. Shea’s mind hadn’t been able to conjure Sasha today and for that, Shea was grateful. Shea didn’t think they could handle hearing Sasha’s voice saying all the things they were already telling themselves.

A PA (Lauren or Laurel maybe?) came over to Shea and Shea vaguely recognized her as the one who stood in their way yesterday. At least that meant Shea didn’t have to pretend to be nice.

“Are you ready?” she asked, her voice crisp and determined.

“Let’s go,” Shea responded simply. Cracker looked up from the fabric she was pinning to her mannequin.

“Good luck girl,” Cracker called, concern and sympathy dancing in her eyes. Shea gave a ghost of a smile.

“Thanks Cracks.”

Shea padded into the room softly, the runway illuminated in the background and Ru set up for the podcast in the foreground. Shea’s eyes were drawn instantly to a stool with a bright red cushion, the stage lights glimmering off a tall, intricate crown. The air seemed to be pulled out of Shea’s lungs at the sight of it, and Shea averted their eyes, unable to look at it for more than a moment. Shea glided over to their spot, watching Ru’s face stretch into a smile.

“If it isn’t Miss Slay Couleé herself, how has the competition been treating you?” Ru asked after Shea settled into their chair. Shea huffed out a fragment of a laugh. _Just get through the next moment. And then the next. And then the next._

“It’s been a journey Ru. The highs, the lows, I’ve felt all of them and now to be here in the top three is just…surreal.”

“How would you say this season compares to your original season?” Ru questioned.

“This time has been harder,” Shea answered, weighing their answer. “Not because the challenges are harder or the competition is fiercer, but because I haven’t had the same bond with the girls as I did on season 9. On season 9, even though it was a competition – and one I wanted to win very badly – I felt this connection with my sisters that added this layer of stability, even as things got crazy.”

“Well, you have been absolutely crushing this competition, the first queen to have four challenge wins in two different seasons – you’re leaving behind quite a legacy for yourself.”

“I guess I am. I thought a lot more about that on my first run, joining the 4-wins club, being part of Drag Race elite, but honestly it hasn’t even crossed my mind during this season.”

“It sounds like mentally you’re in a very different place now than you were last time.”

“I really am. During season 9, I felt untouchable, unclockable, and like that crown was already on my head before I even stepped foot into the work room. And then the finale happened and I lost all of that. I tried to remain the Shea Couleé that everyone knew in public, but in my own mind I needed to rediscover the confident, beautiful woman that I know I am. I finally made enough progress on that journey that I was ready to come back.”

“That must have been hard for you, having to show a public persona that was so much different than you were feeling on the inside. Were you able to talk to any of your friends about what you were feeling?” Shea pursed their lips and tapped their fingers against the table quietly.

“Not really,” Shea admitted, pulse starting to quicken from the high of finally – _finally_ – being honest because there was nothing left to lose. “I didn’t have the words to express what I was feeling and I was too afraid of the effects of those conversations in the relationships that meant the most to me.”

“And by relationships do you mean your relationship with Sasha Velour? I know you two remained quite close even after your season.”

“Sasha more than any of the others, yes,” Shea couldn’t keep the notes of strain and yearning out of the melody of their voice, and Ru must have clocked it.

“So did the crown and the show ever come between you? That must have been difficult to hold your friendship together with all the baggage you were carrying around after season 9.” Shea’s heart galloped, powerful and irregular, at Ru’s words as stills from the day before flickered across their brain. Shea took a calming breath and focused on the question. There had always been a mathematical component to the race, one rarely acknowledged even within the drag community itself. Vulnerability, but not too much. But Shea was running emotional empty, someone who had been hanging on by the hope of a warm embrace in Brooklyn at the end of this marathon. A warm embrace by the name of _Sasha Velour_ and a hope now fully shattered. Shea’s walls had been demolished with an explosion of dynamite and Shea didn’t care about anything anymore.

“I’m in love with Sasha Velour,” Shea said, back straight, enunciating every word clearly, and staring right into RuPaul’s shocked eyes. “I’ve been in love with her, maybe forever, but I was never able to realize it until I came back on this show and stood on my own again. I let my insecurities over that crown divide us and she is so _good_ and so _kind_ that she wanted to be there for me and I _hated_ myself for the way I could never let her in.” Shea tried in vain to push back the tears but they slowly started to stream down their face as Ru seemed to be at a loss for words.

“And I think…I think there was a point where she loved me too Ru. You know, I used to think everything you spout about an inner saboteur was complete bullshit,” Shea said with a self-deprecating half-laugh. “I didn’t love myself. I’ve heard you say it so many times but I never _felt_ it. I didn’t love myself. So I couldn’t love Sasha. And when I did start to find this love for myself again, it was too late. Now she’s gone.” Ru looked as though she was about to speak, but honestly? Shea didn’t want to hear any of it as individual tears slid down their cheeks.

“But then I destroyed the only thing I’ve ever really wanted. I thought – for so long – that it was that crown. Even before I was cast on the show, I thought the crown would be the ultimate validation and that it was my destiny. But that?” Shea’s eyes were dragged over to the new crown, the bigger crown, as it sparkled perfectly under stage lights that had probably taken hours to align just right to get that perfect glow.

“That’s just a piece of fucking plastic,” Shea said softly.

Shea’s eyes furrowed as they realized with a jolt the next words that were going to come out of their mouth. The truth to them at this point was inescapable, a truth hidden in stone and that required years of skillful extraction and molding, leaving only the beautiful masterpiece behind.

“This crown means nothing to me anymore. It won’t make me happy, and I don’t want it. I’m leaving.”

Shea sat for a beat, allowing the words to settle into their soul, allowing themselves a moment to accept the world under a new filter. Then, with a weightlessness Shea hadn’t felt in _years_ , they pushed their chair back, which seemed to snap Ru out of his state of shock.

“Wait, Shea, there’s a lot to unpack here. What do you think quitting is going to solve?” Shea shrugged nonchalantly.

“Maybe nothing. But I can already _feel_ that it frees me from needing this crown.” Shea began to move again, but Ru jumped back in.

“You’ve had some things to say about the other girls who voted for themselves to leave. How is what you’re doing any different?” Shea laughed quietly.

“I did have quite a bit to say. But this is not the same. I’m not saying that my time is up. I could win this whole damn thing if I wanted to. I know that now. But what I’m saying is that there’s something more important to me than winning.” Shea stood, and leaned carefully over the mic so it would catch their next words.

“Goodbye, Ru.”

Ru looked back at Shea with something unknowable in his gaze. Pride? Regret? Shea couldn’t tell.

“Goodbye, Shea Couleé. And good luck finding what you’re looking for.”

“Shea, wait!” A voice called out from behind them as Shea moved in a daze toward the van that would take them back to the hotel. Shea turned around to see Cracker, still out of drag, moving quickly towards them.

“Production…they filled us in on…what happened,” Cracker wheezed, slightly out of breath. “I just wanted to say goodbye, that I think what you’re doing is very brave, and that I hope you and Sasha work things out.” A pained smile overtook Shea’s face.

“Thank you, Cracker,” Shea said, biting their lip.

“Also…” Cracker started, pausing briefly. “You should know, Juju and I talked and we aren’t going to say anything. We’re going to let you control how this breaks. Just over a year until it airs girl.” Shea’s blood froze with the realization that their confession was going to be blasted across the country for millions to see.

“Why are you doing this?” Shea asked softly, unable to fathom drag queens who would be able to keep gossip like this to themselves. Cracker looked down, unable to meet Shea’s eyes. She seemed like she was about to say something, then closed her mouth. She finally looked back at Shea.

“Maybe I’m just a romantic at heart goddamnit!” she joked. Cracker reached out and squeezed Shea’s hand. “Seriously Shea. Good luck and go get your girl.” Shea squeezed back and let go, stepping into the van. They held their hand up to Cracks as the van sprung to life and started rolling away from set.

Just over one year until it airs.

_Tic tock Shea._


	5. Sasha II part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO sorry for the late-ish update everyone! I've fiddled with this chapter for quite a bit before deciding this is the final form I want it to take. It's a bit different in style than Sasha's last chapter, but Sasha's in such a different head space that I thought it necessary. There's so much narration and I hope this works well with the rest of the story! 
> 
> Also I need to declare to the world that I am the world's biggest Peppermint stan and if she doesn't win AS6 I will be DEVASTATED.
> 
> I appreciate more than anything all the comments and kudos this story has gotten! I (rather obsessively) read over all the comments at least once a day (and have held off responding - that's going to be my reward for getting this posted!!) and they genuinely fill me with so much happiness so thank you from the bottom of my heart (and also please keep them coming).

Sasha returned to New York not with a bang, but with a whimper. She slinked back to her Brooklyn apartment with most of her friends none the wiser that she had even been gone, yet in the span of two days Sasha’s entire world smeared, as messy as a painter’s palette mixed into a muddy brown. The lights of the city were dimmer than she remembered, the colors on signs and clothes non-existent. The world had faded into a sepia tone and Sasha couldn’t remember what it had looked like before. Her weariness ran deep, integrated into the matrix of her soul. She stumbled to her bed refusing to spare a glance for her bookshelf, the empty space for Shea’s crown mocking her still, even after all these years. The weight of her blanket, a once vibrant red and black that now seemed sallow, provided a cocoon where she could hide from her new reality.

Sasha didn’t leave her bed for four days.

Sasha _hurt_. There was a knot in her right shoulder that sent a jolt of pain down her arm every time she rotated it. Her spine ached, the outward curve of her vertebrae pulsating even when motionless. She constantly massaged the stress point between her left thumb and pointer finger despite the fact that it caused tears to spring into her eyes when she pushed it the wrong way.

Sasha allowed the pain to consume her, allowing the creaks in her joints and the sting in her muscles to bear the weight of all her mistakes. Despite Sasha telling them to get out, Shea hadn’t left their residence in Sasha’s mind. Never complete memories, Sasha would see snippets of conversations or performances flung haphazardly across the canvas of her mind, as erratic yet complementary as a Jackson Pollock.

Sasha didn’t eat for those four days. She didn’t change clothes. She ignored the vibrations of her phone the first two days before it ultimately silenced, battery drained.

On day four, Sasha heard pounding on the door. Somewhere through the haze, Sasha recognized Peppermint’s voice but buried her face back underneath the pillows. A few moments later, her bedroom door clicked open, Peppermint undoubtedly letting herself in with her spare key.

“Sasha, Jesus,” Pep gasped when she saw Sasha curled up in the dark. Peppermint moved swiftly over to Sasha and sat on the bed, her hand coming to rest on Sasha’s back, just underneath the aching pain of her spine.

“Sasha, say something so I know you’re not dead,” Peppermint commanded, worry dripping from her voice. Sasha sighed, trying to pull the blankets up over her head.

“’M fine Pep. Just needed a break,” Sasha mumbled. _SheaSheaSheaShea. Talk to me Shea._ Peppermint barked out a sarcastic laugh.

“This is the opposite of fine. You haven’t answered anyone’s texts for _days_ and I was _terrified_ and you’re in bed in the dark at 3 pm on a Wednesday. Sasha, _what’s wrong_?” Pep softened at the last words, running her thumb across Sasha’s shoulder. “Is it Shea?” Peppermint asked tentatively. Sasha involuntarily flinched hard and assumed that would be all the answer Pep would need.

“Oh, baby,” Peppermint exhaled, voice dripping with sympathy. She was silent for a moment before continuing. “You need to eat. I’ll be back in a moment.” Some part of Sasha felt the bed move as Pep rose from the bed, but it felt like it was happening to someone else, that she was just a visitor in her own body.

_“You’re brilliant Sasha.”_ Shea’s words mocked her endlessly now. Sasha Velour, the epitome of idiocy, telling Shea Couleé to leave.

Peppermint returned some amount of time later and managed to coax Sasha into a sitting position and got her to swallow a few spoonfuls of soup and a few sips of water.

“Tell me what to do Sasha,” Peppermint begged a few minutes later, tears collecting at the corners of her eyes. “Do you need to talk about it, or not talk about it, or what because you’re scaring me Sash and I don’t know what to do.” The pain in Peppermint’s voice lurched Sasha back into reality, her eyes focusing for the first time in days. Sasha couldn’t stand to see her friends in pain and knowing she was the reason for it caused another tidal wave of guilt to rock her off balance. Sasha pushed herself up and held Pep’s hand. Soon, the words started spilling out of her, each sentence a violent stroke of the pen as Sasha sketched a dark portrait of her two-day sojourn in California. Sasha’s last lines voiced her desolate fear that the canvas of their relationship had been shredded like the Banksy painting Sasha had once admired. Peppermint held her while she cried, the first tears to fall since she had last seen Shea. When there was no moisture left in Sasha’s body, Pep slipped a business card into her hand.

“It can’t continue like this,” Pep murmured, squeezing Sasha’s shoulder.

“I know,” Sasha whispered back.

When Sasha tells the story many years later, she wishes she could say that the following months flew by, that she was so busy with her tour and everything else that thoughts of Shea drifted through her mind only infrequently. However, Sasha forces herself to be honest (to varying degrees, depending on her audience). She doesn’t shy away from the way her mind, at any dull moment, would float to contemplating what Shea was doing at that particular moment, what they were thinking, or what they were feeling. For the first time in her life, social media became like an addiction, alerting her anytime Shea posted something new. The rush she felt when Shea’s face appeared on her screen, or she could actually know what Shea was thinking about was euphoric and more than once reduced her to tears. And then Shea tweeted that they wished All Stars 5 would just stay hidden forever. The idea that she had ruined this too for Shea precipitated Sasha disabling notifications.

Many, many days Shea was Sasha’s first thought in the morning and last thought at night. When she showed designers sketches of her outfits, they were always confused as to why she hadn’t drawn herself wearing them. Mostly unconsciously, but also certainly consciously on occasion, Sasha refused to be separated by more than a few feet from her phone, praying that the next minute would be the one that she would hear from Shea.

Sasha was objectively aware of the fact that she pushed Shea away, that she told Shea to leave and therefore that she should be the one to reach back out. Her therapist (Sasha had to admit, Pep knew what she was doing when she slipped her that business card) reminded her of this on several occasions, but even though Sasha’s finger hovered over Shea’s contact info at least twice a day, she was never able to press that button. Shea probably didn’t even want to talk to her again anyway. Why would they, after the way Sasha treated them?

That’s not to say her therapist wasn’t helpful; aided by her gentle yet pointed questioning, Sasha slowly came to terms with the fact that Sasha had always put Shea on a pedestal, a statue of Venus, the bust of Nefertiti. She had been unwilling to fully comprehend the complexity of Shea Couleé and now Sasha understood with clarity as sharp as a knife’s edge that she and Shea both had made an infinite number of mistakes.

The seasons slowly passed, and if anyone noticed that all of Sasha’s drawings and paintings were now done in black and white, no one said anything.

The cast of All-Stars was announced in May, and Sasha tortured herself watching all of the promo videos, interviews, anything where she could see a moving and animated Shea Couleé. Peppermint had to come over and spend the night after Sasha watched an interview with Jujubee where she said there was “the greatest lip sync in drag race herstory to come.” It was only through Pep’s coaxing that Sasha got out of bed the next day.

Sasha pretended like she was losing track of days until the season premiered. Pep didn’t buy that bullshit. Peppermint softly asked her, after one of Sasha’s Wednesday night Nightgowns gatherings, if she wanted Pep with her when she watched the season. Sasha emphatically shook her head. As Sasha sat in her therapist’s office the Tuesday before the season premiere, she unloaded the _weight_ she carried around her neck, the weight of the world’s expectations of how she should react, the guilt of Shea losing season 9, and the fear that coursed through her veins as she knew, in seven weeks, that her feelings would be laid bare to the entire world, as exposed as if she walked naked through Times Square.

Sasha poured a double vodka soda and wrapped herself in a fuzzy pink blanket on the couch for the season premiere. Shea strutted in the room, looking like a fucking _vision_ in an outfit that took Sasha’s breath away. She felt her pulse jump excitedly at the curves of Shea’s waist and the aura of power they gave off just by existing. Sasha’s heart lurched and she took a large sip of her drink as Shea ran their fingers over the work station they had shared, a time that felt like only yesterday.

All thought left Sasha’s mind as the track for Shea’s pole dance clicked to life. She was mesmerized by the movement of Shea’s body snaked around that pole and Sasha was certain, all the way through to her bones, that she had never been so aroused in her entire life, the beauty of Shea in pink more overwhelming than anything she had ever seen in a museum. The alcohol pulsed pleasantly through her veins and destroyed any guilt she might feel about becoming instantly hard. Shea was the only person Sasha had fantasized about for _years_ , but she attempted to moderate it as much as she could; unending Shea fantasies felt so _decadent_ that Sasha couldn’t allow the richness to overtake her. But Shea’s number was over as quickly as it began and Sasha _whined_ , bucking her hips unconsciously as her hand snuck between her legs. _SheaSheaSheaShea_.

Every week, for two hours, Sasha marveled at the poise, beauty, and fierceness that was Shea Couleé. Shea was power, they were vulnerability, but more than anything they were _joy_ and seeing the happiness and confidence glittering behind those soulful eyes made Sasha’s heart swell, even as it dissolved in yearning. Sasha found it utterly adorable the way Shea muttered quietly to themselves while constructing a garment and every moment that she was sure she couldn’t love Shea more, Shea found a way to increase the size of Sasha’s heart.

It wasn’t until Snatch Game that Sasha realized that she might have been more present in the season than she ever realized. Hearing her lines fall so effortlessly from Shea’s lips, a moment of improv when Shea was unguarded and unshielded, Sasha closed her eyes and allowed herself a moment to believe, the relish the possibility, that she was as vital to Shea as Shea was to her. That maybe she was Shea’s safe place.

But the runway flipped that worldview completely. As Shea cried, overflowing with the memories of the finale and how affected their life was by that moment, all of Sasha’s hopes and dreams were lit alight right in front of her. She and Shea had never stood a chance. She bolted to the bathroom, hunched over the toilet, as the meager remnants of her last meal dredged up from the pit of her stomach. Sasha didn’t finish the episode.

The clock was counting down to their lip sync. She found herself absent minded and jittery the entire week, running her number for Nightgowns later that month endlessly, yet unable to pick up the simple steps. Sasha turned off her phone the night the episode aired and not even Shea’s elation and confidence during the challenge could pull her from the hurricane of her mind.

The curtain started to rise, and the camera cut from Sasha’s silhouette to Shea’s visage. Sasha was hyper aware of every inch of her body, cheeks flushed and nails gripping her arms, as realization broke across Shea’s face. Sasha expected to see loathing, pain, and heartbreak, but instead Shea’s effervescent smile and half step in Sasha direction spoke to love and adoration and the world had never made less sense.

During the lip sync, as the Sasha on the screen was stiff and cold, Shea’s body wove a story of absolute worship and Sasha hated the way Shea had always been such a good actor.

Sasha stayed inside all weekend, refusing to even open social media. She dueled with herself constantly, the desire for Shea’s reaction grappling with the fear that Shea didn’t have a reaction. If Shea hadn’t reached out by now, they were never going to. Sasha was right all those months ago; Shea never loved Sasha the way Sasha had loved them. Sasha dragged herself to therapy on Tuesday, and sat in near silence the entire session. Pep came by on Wednesday, having made an excuse to the rest of the group for Sasha cancelling on the Nightgowns group, and Sasha tried to assure her that she would be okay.

The days before the finale had Sasha manically sketching, her fingers guiding themselves as they drew dark scenes and bleak designs.

There was a knock at her door, a little over an hour before the finale was set to air. Sasha bit her fingernail as she paced to the door, not expecting her food to arrive so soon. She pulled open the door, a greeting and thank you forming on her lips.

And there was Shea Couleé, holding a bouquet of roses. Their skin was pulled tight, eyebrows furrowed and bottom lip between their teeth. Sasha lost herself in their eyes, the overhead fluorescent lighting unable to dim the worry behind the honeyed hazel. Sasha gripped the doorframe and blinked, but Shea still stood before them.

“Hi Sasha,” Shea murmured.


	6. Sasha II part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of the story proper! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported this story, from comments to kudos to just hits, it's meant so much to me! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Sasha Velour was no stranger to beautiful things. A lifetime spent in museums, sketching comics, and designing looks meant she knew how art can be synonymous with beauty. And Shea Couleé was a living work of art, a portrait with highlighted hard lines of cheekbones, a delicate curve of their nose, and vibrant, soulful eyes. But, much like Rembrandt, Sasha found art in realism, and the sunken shadows under Shea’s eyes, the hollows of their cheeks, and the chapping of their lips even added to Sasha’s estimation of Shea’s beauty because it meant that Shea was real, solid, and _just there_ before her. Shea Couleé was better than art.

“Shea…” Sasha exhaled, unable to tear her gaze from Shea’s face. She held the door tightly to stop herself from reaching out, from caressing Shea’s cheek and pulling them close to her. “What are…what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at a finale party somewhere?”

Shea took a steadying breath and glanced down, eyes breaking with Sasha’s only momentarily before rising back up to hold hers with the curious mix of fiery passion and heart-stopping fear.

“Sasha I have spent…years, I suppose, asking too much of you, being so fucking selfish and taking advantage of all the _goodness_ that just pours out of you so naturally. But…I’m just asking, please. Let me do it one more time. I can’t…I can’t really be without you tonight. If you never want to see me again after tonight, believe me, I would more than understand. But right now, I just really need to see _you_.”

Sasha thought her heart had experienced the full depth of pain possible when it came to Shea Couleé, but she was surprised yet again as a crippling wave of remorse and regret flashed through her at the realization that Shea didn’t know if she would be there for them. And that Shea thought _Sasha might never want to see them again_. Sasha rarely did anything, particularly concerning Shea, without thinking and overthinking it for days, but, in a moment of surging _love_ , Sasha’s hands left the door and squeezed Shea’s free hand in a protective cocoon.

“Shea I will always, _always_ , be here for you,” Sasha wanted to say more, but was unsure what should come next. A deluge of apologies? A declaration of love? She didn’t want to scare Shea away now that she was only a foot away from them again because Sasha didn’t know if she was strong enough to come out of that dark place again. Sasha then became distracted by the hope blossoming in Shea’s eyes and the minute smile that suddenly graced Shea’s face. Their fingertips travelled slowly across Sasha’s palm, up to her wrist and Sasha froze. She had once read that there are about 17,000 nerve endings in a human palm and she had never felt so much sensation in her entire _life_.

“Do you really mean that?” Shea asked nervously, revealing a side of them that Sasha had seen only a few times, when they were alone together in those early days and Shea whispered about their fears and regrets. As Shea’s thumb settled over Sasha’s pulse, she felt her palm still tingling with the heat of Shea. Sasha’s hands started to shake and her head swam she had the sudden feeling of existing outside her own body – as though she was watching the whole scene as an interloper, an uninvited guest, a ghost. It’s nearly impossible to realize at the time when one is experiencing a life-changing choice. In the moment, it seems like any other decision, the ripples of a rock thrown into a still pond taking time to reach its edges. Sasha had never known, in real time, that her life was veering onto an entirely different path and as such, the memories of securing that first wig, of stepping off that plane in Moscow, and Shea’s workroom entrance all had a slight haze to them, a lack of razor-sharp edges and details that seared their way onto Sasha’s mind. This moment, however, was entirely unlike those. Sasha knew that this moment, and whatever followed, were creating two diverging paths and as she stood at the trailhead between them she paused for a moment to savor the details that she might otherwise forget, the green and grey diamond pattern of Shea’s shirt, the hint of cloves wafting from the roses, and a vein pulsing from the gentle curve of Shea’s neck.

“I’ll never lie to you,” Sasha promised softly. Shea’s hand briefly clinched Sasha tighter before loosening and taking a step closer. Sasha could feel warmth radiating off Shea’s body and it sent chills down her spine. Shea’s eyes closed and Sasha saw them take a deep breath before opening their eyes again, starry pupils overtaking chestnut irises.

“Can I come in?” Shea asked quietly, as though the world consisted of only the two of them. Sasha couldn’t get any words out, could only nod twice, delicately, spinning around to push the door open and step inside, inhaling deeply as her oxygen deprived brain remembered to breathe again.

“Oh, these are…they’re for you,” Sasha heard Shea stutter out and she turned back around for Shea to push a dozen roses into her hands.

“Thank you, they’re beautiful,” Sasha said earnestly. She leaned down, closing her eyes to inhale the light, earthy scent and the caressing satin of the petals brushed against her nose. Sasha looked up at Shea who was watching her with a soft smile on their face, causing Sasha’s cheeks to turn the same shade as the petals. “I should get them in water,” she flushed, turning back to the kitchen to pull out a vase and get her body under control. “How did you know where I live?” Sasha called back over her shoulder as she clipped the tape holding the flowers together, allowing them to spread out and fill the vase.

“Peppermint,” Shea answered. “She didn’t want me to tell me at first, she thought it would be a bad idea for me to just show up. But I had already landed in New York so I just went to her place and convinced her.”

“How did you manage that?” Sasha asked, turning back around to see Shea moving slowly across her living room, taking in each and every piece of artwork lining the walls.

“She saw the roses,” Shea replied simply, gaze never leaving the art.

Sasha’s pulse quickened. _Oh_.

“Do…do you want anything to drink?” Sasha babbled nervously. “I mean, I have whatever, vodka, wine, water…”

“Sasha,” Shea turned back around, cutting her off gently and gesturing to the couch. “Can we…sit, for a few minutes?”

“Yes, sure, okay,” Sasha stumbled out, walking on shaky legs and taking a seat, the two feet between them feeling like a chasm. Shea let out a big exhale and looked up into Sasha’s eyes. Their hands fidgeted, Shea rubbing their knuckles slowly and forcefully.

“There are things that you need to hear from me, then I was hoping we could watch the episode together. If you want me to leave after that, I will. Is that…is that okay with you?”

“Of course Shea, that’s fine,” Sasha said as encouragingly as she could, hand reaching out to still Shea’s. Shea gave a grateful half-smile. “What is it that you want to say?” Shea started and stopped two, three times and Sasha waited patiently for them to find the right words.

“I’m in love with you Sasha,” Shea’s voice, although quiet in volume, never quivered, never shook, and was filled with such overwhelming certainty that Sasha’s heart stopped. “I’ve been in love with you, I think forever, but I didn’t realize it until I got back to Drag Race. I realized it even before the end of the first day. It felt just so _wrong_ without you and I _missed_ you and I realized I had spent the last two and a half years in a constant state of missing you and I did that variety show number and I thought of you the whole time. I…uh…hoped that you would like it. Drag Race just flipped a switch in me and all of the sudden I couldn’t believe that I had ever thought that I _wasn’t_ in love with you and I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. And then when you got there…everything you said was true. I was a terrible friend to you. I made that crown and my own fear of not being good enough come between us and if I had just been less _stupid_ we could have so many years of happy memories already because I _know_ , somewhere inside of me I realized you were in love with me but I buried it as deep as I could because I couldn’t be with you but I also could never have said no to you.” Shea paused, eyes closing for a second, taking another deep breath before continuing. Sasha’s hand squeezed around Shea’s and she swallowed, hard.

“I quit All-Stars. The episode after you were there. And I don’t care about that, really Sasha it _does not_ matter to me. You do. I told Ru on the podcast that I’m in love with you and that I realized that you’re what I really want. So I left. And maybe I should have jumped right on the next plane to New York and said all of this then, but you said you needed time and I wanted to give that to you. I hadn’t respected your wishes before and I had to break that cycle. All I wanted was to come kick down your door and kiss you and tell you that I loved you, but you were right. We needed space. And I needed space to know how miserable I am without you in my life. In about 30 minutes, my confession is going to air on national television and our lives won’t be our own again and I’m _so sorry_ that I dragged you into this. I know you said you had feelings for me, but I understand if you don’t feel that way anymore. I just needed you to know because the world is about to know. Even if…even if you don’t care about me like that anymore, I just need you as my friend Sasha.”

Shea hunched over, chest heaving as tears started to land on Sasha’s hand. Sasha’s heart shattered, but in the same instant, began stitching back together. They had hurt one another, but Shea _loved_ her. And she loved Shea. Sasha’s heart pounded; she thought she might be having a heart attack, nearly breaking the stitches holding it together. Her vision started to blur as tears collected at the corners of her eyes and Sasha maneuvered her free thumb beneath her glasses to wipe them away. Sasha bit her bottom lip, joy soaring through every part of her and she couldn’t have stopped the smile on her face if she tried. She reached her hand out to Shea’s chin, angling their face up so their mahogany eyes looked right into hers. She needed Shea to see the truth of her words.

“Shea I love you too,” Sasha said through the tears, delight woven inextricably into her words. Shea looked confused, then disbelief overtook their face.

“What? Can you…can you say that again?” Sasha’s cheeks hurt with the force of her smile, her body vibrating with potential energy, and Sasha could say that this was truly the happiest moment she had ever experienced.

“I love you Shea Couleé,” Sasha murmured earnestly. Realization slowly began overtake Shea’s face in the widening of their eyes, the sparkle that returned to their irises, the slackening of their lower lip. Shea’s hand opened and they wove their fingers through Sasha’s, clasping firmly as though Shea never planned to let go. It was the most beautiful thing Sasha had ever seen in her entire _life_.

“Sasha,” Shea’s voice cracked on the word. “Can I kiss you?”

“ _Please_ ,” Sasha all but whimpered.

Unsurprisingly, Shea took the lead. It wasn’t fast – Sasha wanted to crash their lips together, an explosion, an _inevitability_ , to move from the state of not having kissed Shea to _kissing Shea_ , a before-and-after timeline that now needed to be only after. But Shea treated her as something to be _savored_. Shea slid closer to Sasha, bringing their bodies only inches apart. Shea’s hand rose to Sasha’s face, thumb brushing delicately across her cheekbone, and Sasha’s eyes fluttered closed as her hand wrapped around Shea’s forearm. Sasha felt Shea lean in closer, warm breath brushing her face, and Sasha pressed forward the rest of the way. Shea’s lips touched hers and – god. _An inevitability_. Shea’s lips were slightly chapped, a detail so endearing that Sasha wanted to cry. Shea’s arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer, and Sasha’s hands had taken up residence on either side of Shea’s face. Sasha deepened the kiss, pressing forward against Shea’s bottom lip hungrily, so fucking _in love_ that she couldn’t care if it was a bit sloppy or caused her glasses to bump awkwardly against Shea’s nose. Whatever she did caused Shea to let out a soft moan that sent a lightning bolt of arousal through Sasha. Shea slowed down the kiss, languidly moving their lips and Sasha followed their lead. Shea slowly pulled away just a fraction of an inch, panting softly against Sasha’s nose before returning with just a feather light brush against her lips. Sasha chased the sensation but Shea retreated, kissing Sasha’s cheek and keeping their body right next to hers. Sasha’s eyes stayed closed, afraid if she opened them that this would all be a dream, but the reality was _she knew what Shea tasted like_. It was a taste so uniquely Shea that Sasha didn’t think she could deconstruct it, preferring to leave the magic fully intact.

“ _Sasha_ ,” Shea choked out and Sasha blinked her eyes open, Shea Couleé a vision before her. Sasha’s smile returned and she let a finger trace Shea’s face.

“Sasha, why do you love me? I treated you so horribly. You shouldn’t,” Shea whispered, another tear falling from the corner of their eye, eyebrows furrowed in anxiety. Sasha’s hand slid around behind Shea’s head, fingers entwining in their hair. Sasha leaned forward, her forehead resting against Shea’s.

“I love you because you’re so strong. And you’re always fighting to change the world. I love you because you’re so passionate and a _force_ just as much as a person. I love the way your mind works – you make such beautiful art that stays with not just me, but so many other people and you’re so thoughtful. You make me think about things differently. And you make me laugh. I see more joy in the world because of you. I just love _you_ Shea. But I don’t want this weighing on you. _I forgive you_. And I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for putting unrealistic expectations on you and not treating you like a human being, I’m sorry for not being brave enough to tell you what I was feeling, and _I’m so fucking sorry_ for not listening back in LA and hurting you. I see you now Shea,” Sasha finished softly. Shea leaned back so their eyes could find Sasha’s.

“I forgive you too,” Shea said with a small smile. “And despite everything, I’m glad things worked out this way. I know I wasn’t ready to love you before. But I am now. I’m so, so ready Sasha.”

“Me too,” Sasha murmured, her arms wrapping around Shea’s neck. Shea’s smile broke into a grin and they leaned back in, lips capturing Sasha’s, and her heart soared. Their second kiss was just as magical as the first, and Sasha truly thought she could subsist on nothing but kisses from Shea Couleé. This time it was Shea who increased the intensity, slipping their hands barely under Sasha’s shirt to brush the skin underneath. Sasha shivered, despite the fact that Shea’s hands felt as hot as scorching coals. Sasha’s hands wandered down to Shea’s back, when a knock at the door interrupted them. Shea pulled back and Sasha _whined_.

“Were you expecting anyone?” Shea questioned.

“Just dinner,” Sasha sighed, dragging herself off the couch. Sasha answered the door and thanked the delivery person.

“Are you hungry?” she asked, turning back to Shea who was lazily draped across the back of her couch, watching her every step. Shea’s eyes lit up in a challenge.

“Not for food,” Shea said with a smirk and Sasha forgot how to breathe. She could have _Shea Couleé. Tonight._ Every fantasy she had ever dreamed could become reality.

“I thought…I thought you wanted to watch the episode,” Sasha rasped out. Disappointment fell across Shea’s face.

“I do,” Shea admitted sadly. Sasha sat the bag down on the counter and strode back over to the couch. She settled on Shea’s lap, _because she fucking could_ , and put her hands on their chest. Shea looked at her with a gaze of adoration across their face, hands resting on Sasha’s waist.

“But maybe…afterward?” she voiced tentatively. “I mean…I wouldn’t want you to want for anything.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Shea exhaled reverently.

They watched the first half of the episode, Shea’s head on Sasha’s shoulder and Sasha could feel the ragged irregularity of their breathing. Shea’s hand tightened around Sasha’s as they watched Shea walk into the podcast studio with Ru and Sasha whispered her love into Shea’s ear as the interview started. Sasha ran her hand along Shea’s arm for the entirety of the interview, needing to keep both of them grounded as Shea _so bravely_ laid their emotions bare. Sasha’s heart swelled as Shea rejected the crown _for her_. After everything with the finale and the fear and heartbreak of losing Shea to the last crown, to see Shea _choose her_ for the world to see snapped something back into place that had been missing since those roses fell. As Shea walked out of the studio, Sasha wordlessly reached for the remote and turned the TV off. She took Shea’s hand and led them to bed.

The next morning, Sasha awoke alone. Her eyes opened slowly and fear froze her veins as she thought that she had hallucinated the events of last night, or worse yet _Shea regretted them_. But she took a deep breath and reached out towards the side of the bed that Shea had occupied. It was still warm, and it was then that Sasha noted a quiet clatter of things moving around in the kitchen and she exhaled softly. She had to trust Shea. Sasha slipped out of bed, shrugging on a robe and emerged into the kitchen where she was met with the sight of Shea fiddling with the coffee machine and singing quietly. The vision caused Sasha’s heart to swell and she could truly die happy now that she knew what this felt like.

“Good morning,” Sasha smiled, her voice still a bit gravelly from sleep. Shea wheeled around.

“Babe,” Shea pouted, their eyes widening in surprise as the name slipped out. “I was going to bring you coffee in bed.”

“That is so sweet of you, but I think I like this sight better,” Sasha purred as she wrapped her arms around Shea’s neck. Love reflected back from Shea’s eyes as they leaned down and pulled Sasha into a gentle, yet passionate kiss. Minutes later, Sasha pulled back and just touched their face.

“I love you,” Shea whispered, the world reduced to just the space between them.

“I love you too,” Sasha replied reverently. Shea pulled away as the machine beeped, placing a kiss on her cheek and turning to Sasha’s cabinets to find mugs.

“So what was that you were singing?” Sasha questioned, leaning back against the counter. Shea wheeled around, a mischievous grin on their face.

“Well, do you remember the I’m in Love challenge? Chadwick Boseman wasn’t my first choice…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it!!! Finally, some fluff and happiness after everything I put them through! Since I can't fully let this story go, there will be an epilogue to come, set about 6 months out and I'll only say that it'll be in a very different format than how the rest has been written. I've decided what my next project will be and Sasha and Shea will still be the main characters, but just about every other adjective you could apply to See Me will be different for the next project! It's going to be a looooot more complicated so the planning stages will take awhile, so in the mean time if anyone has any ideas for one shot requests in the See Me universe, let me know in the comments and I just might write some of them! Thank you so much everyone for reading and supporting!!!


	7. Epilogue: At Home with Sasha and Shea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final, final end and I hope you all love it! I wanted to give everyone a taste of what comes after the story, so I hope this doesn't disappoint! I appreciate so much all the comments, kudos, and hits this story has gotten and I'm so glad so many of you have enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It's sad to be leaving this story, but I now have not one, but two new story ideas that I'm excited about that are making saying goodbye a bit easier.
> 
> I absolutely love talking about this story, so I would totally love and appreciate any thoughts you guys have in the comments! (Especially about this epilogue format!) Plus I'm always trying to be a better writer, so criticism is definitely, definitely allowed if you thought something could be stronger!
> 
> Also, if anyone has any requests for one shots in this universe, let me know in the comments! It's my thank you to all of you who have been reading and commenting. I can't promise all of them will get done, but I'll do my best! Love you all!!!

At Home with Sasha Velour and Shea Couleé by Out.com

Shea Couleé and Sasha Velour have always been superstars of pop-culture phenomenon _Rupaul’s Drag Race_ , delivering unforgettable moments like iconic verses in _Category Is…_ and their lip sync in the season 9 finale that ultimately left Velour with the crown and $100,000 prize. After years of fan lobbying, Couleé returned for season 5 of the _All-Stars_ version of the popular franchise, landing in the top 3 before resigning from the competition to focus on building a romantic relationship with Velour in what many are calling the most shocking twist in _Drag Race_ herstory. Four months post-show, OUT sat down with the new couple to discuss their reactions to the airing of the finale, the status of their relationship, and future projects.

OUT: Shea, Sasha, thank you both so much for having me in your home!

_Sasha Velour: No, thank you so much for stopping by! Sorry for the boxes and all the mess, we’re leaving for Chicago next week and it’s been so insane trying to get everything packed._

**Shea Couleé: [laughs] I don’t know where she thinks all of this is going to go! She’s seen my place, she knows that all _my_ drag barely fits, so we’re going to have to figure something out girl.**

OUT: [laughs] So you two aren’t quite at the ‘clearing out a drawer’ stage of your relationship yet?

**Shea: A drawer? Yes. Sharing half my closet? Bitch I don’t love her that much! [laughs] Who am I kidding, I can’t get enough of this bald weirdo. I’m so excited for us to finally be in the same place for more than a week.**

_Sasha: It has been so crazy; we’ve barely had any time to ourselves since the finale aired. Shea had to take off on tour and bookings only a few days after the end of the season so we’ve been just stealing a few days together here and there since then._

OUT: So let’s start at the beginning of what we, as the audience, saw between the two of you on _All-Stars_. That Lorde lip sync was absolutely iconic and Twitter instantly catapulted it into the lip sync hall of fame. What was going through each of your minds during that performance? When did you know that this would be a season 9 rematch?

_Sasha: I had no idea that Shea was even competing on this season of All-Stars! They never told me! I was sitting backstage doing my makeup and I hear it over the PA’s walkie. So I was incredibly surprised and a little upset…_

**Shea: A little?!**

_Sasha: [smiling] Ok, a lot upset. That allowed me to really tap into those emotions during that performance, when you watch it back I think you can really tell that I wasn’t acting! But Shea’s performance was really unexpected for me, Shea is one of my favorite drag artists in the entire world but they’ve never done a number quite like that before. I like to have a plan for every performance I do and I’m not so great at improving like that, so I really just let go and let the interactions happen naturally even though Shea was not my favorite person at the time! I had no idea in the moment that it was going to be so beautiful and watching it back now, I’m blown away every time at the story we told._

**Shea: I obviously had no idea that Sasha was coming back until the curtain rose and I could not have been happier to see her. I never told her I was going on _All-Stars_ because I had this weird thing where I was never able to really move past the season 9 finale, as you all saw during the show. I initially had a different plan entirely for _Green Light_ but seeing Sasha and knowing how emotive she is when she performs, that plan was just thrown entirely out the window and I really just followed what I thought was her lead. Then at the end I saw her face and knew she was _pissed_.**

OUT: What was your original plan?

**Shea: I was going to perform it like an angry breakup song – very Beyoncé in _Irreplaceable_ – you know, checking my nails and prancing right away from that relationship!**

_Sasha: Which also would have been completely iconic in its own right. I still think you need to do that in one of your performances!_

OUT: Absolutely! We would Eat. That. Shit. Up!

**Shea: [laughs] Maybe one day! But for now, it’s like _So Emotional_ , it’s too sacred to be done differently! **

OUT: So how did you go from Sasha’s anger to leaving the competition? There were some rumors online after the season filmed, and even as it was airing, that there was a rift between the two of you.

**Shea: [pauses] We had a huge fight. Well, more accurately, Sasha read me for filth and I completely deserved it. I thought our friendship was over and it was then that I realized that I was a hundred times more devastated by the thought of her hating me than I had ever been about season 9. And that really put everything in perspective for me. I just realized all of the sudden that I was so in love with her and that the crown wasn’t really important to me anymore.**

_Sasha: The rumors were definitely true; we didn’t speak from the time that filming stopped until the finale aired. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life, but I think it was also a necessary part of our journey for us to arrive at where we are now._

OUT: Speaking of the finale, how did you two watch the finale? Were you together and Sasha, did you know what was coming?

_Sasha: We were together. Like I said, Shea and I weren’t speaking at the time but they appeared on my doorstep just before the finale started and I had never been so happy so see someone! I didn’t know what was coming before that, but Shea sat me down and told me what was about to air. It felt so surreal, for this actual goddess named Shea Couleé to tell me that they loved me and that the world was about to know that Shea loved me. I’m thought of as this intellectual queen, but that’s never felt less accurate than when I try to describe what it felt like to hear Shea say they loved me in the intimacy of our own home. I don’t have the words, and I’m starting to become content with the fact that they might not exist. …so that’s a long way of saying I didn’t know! [laughs] But it was a very welcome surprise._

**Shea: I felt so guilty about the fact that this was all about to air publicly and I knew there would be this huge reaction from the fans. I was so worried about putting Sasha through all of that while she might still hate me that I basically just kept putting off telling her until I couldn’t anymore. I am very lucky that she felt the same way about me as I did about her, because as overwhelming as the fan reaction was, it would have been impossible to deal with I think if we didn’t end up together. But the fans have been so supportive and they’ve been really good about accepting that some things are going to be private for just me and Sasha. But it’s been so great to be able to share my love for Sasha with other people that never get tired of how disgustingly cute I like to be! [laughs]**

_Sasha: Excuse me?! You’re acting like I don’t also love to post photos gushing about how absolutely gorgeous, sweet, and fierce you are! But in all seriousness, the fans have been great about it. I especially love the fan art. We have like five framed drawings of us together packed away that are going to Chicago._

OUT: So what has your relationship been like after the show? I know Shea you’ve been on tour with the All-Stars girls, so have you two had time to explore your relationship yet?

**Shea: It’s been difficult between tours and other commitments for both of us, but we’ve made the most of the time we’ve had. We’ve known and cared for each other for so long that there’s a level of comfort that we both have that I don’t think – I in particular – would have if this was a relationship with someone new. We talked almost every night over FaceTime, like Sasha would wait up until I was done with my show and we would tell each other about our days which then just dissolved into us talking about anything and everything. Sasha would sometimes fall asleep in the middle of our conversations but I’m not too pressed about that! [laughs]**

_Sasha: Ok that was only twice and both times while you were on the West Coast! [laughs] But Shea said it perfectly, it’s really been about the quality of time and not the quantity. Shea came back to Brooklyn during their time off and we were able to have a few days together and it was just totally seamless. It was weird when we would go out to the park and people would take pictures of us! But Shea just…fits into my life when they’re here and saying goodbye again is always hard._

OUT: So you two haven’t spent a ton of time together yet in the same place, but what would you say has been the most surprising thing about being in a relationship with the other – beyond your previous friendship?

**Shea: Oh, that’s easy. Well, I guess it’s technically not surprising, since she never told me otherwise, but for some reason I just always believed Sasha could cook? Like I just had this image in my head of Sasha as a good cook and then very, very quickly into our relationship I realized that was not the case. [chuckles] And I can’t cook either! So it would come meal time and we just ended up ordering a lot of takeout. But it has actually worked out better this way I think, because we’ve picked out a lot of good, easy recipes and we try to cook together at least once whenever we’re together. And it hasn’t been terrible! It could be worse at least…**

_Sasha: [nodding] Most of it is edible! [laughs] But on a more serious note, I think what’s surprised me the most about Shea is just how secure they seem to be in our relationship. After season 9, we both kind of danced around one another and while our friendship was really good, it could definitely feel like the other shoe was about to drop. And after All-Stars too, even though we were in a good place, I was worried that we would keep having to revisit some of the old wounds and I worried that in a way, I would be holding them back. But Shea has seemed to be so – I guess “settled” is the word I’ll use here but that doesn’t feel quite right – in our relationship and just to see their confidence and vibrancy shine back through, well, it’s made me fall in love with them all over again._

**Shea: Babe…you know that’s coming out because I feel so safe with you right? I do feel really secure in our relationship, and that has everything to do with the trust and friendship that’s been the foundation of this entire relationship.**

OUT: Shifting back to All-Stars for a moment, how do you two feel about the crowning of our new current reigning, Jujubee?  
  


**Shea: I’m so, so happy for Juju. Third time’s the charm right? But seriously, she was so strong the entire season and that crown was so deserved. I think Cracker also had a great season and could have won the crown too, but I’m also really glad to see some of the girls who paved the way for _Drag Race_ to become what it is today get the recognition they deserve.**

_Sasha: I’m a little biased, because I still would have given the crown to Shea, but I am very glad to see Jujubee in the Hall of Fame. She had so many great performances and I really applaud her for talking about her sobriety on the show, I think it was really inspirational and she is everything a queen should be!_

OUT: So now that the _Drag Race_ chapter is officially over for both of you, what projects can we expect from the two of you going forward? Are there any collaborations planned?

_Sasha: There will definitely be some official collaborations coming probably pretty soon, we just haven’t decided exactly what form that’s going to take yet. We’ve tossed around a few ideas, but I think when we both find something we just love, that we don’t think the world should be without, that’s when we’ll know. But for me, my creative energy right now is focused on getting_ Nightgowns: Chicago _up and running. I’m hoping that we’ll have a performance by Miss Shea Couleé pretty early on though!_

**Shea: Oh, girl, of course! I already have my number planned.**

_Sasha: You do?! What is it?! You didn’t tell me!_

**Shea: I want you to be surprised! I think you’ll love it though.**

_Sasha: I’m absolutely sure that I will._

**Shea: For me, I’m working on an album that I’m hoping is nearing the final stages of production. I’ve also been getting some acting offers recently that are very exciting!**

OUT: It sounds like you both will have a very busy schedule coming up! So, last question, what does the future hold for the two of you?

_Sasha: Wow, that’s so hard because I think part of the beauty of life is allowing yourself to be surprised. But I do know that in the near future we’ll of course be in Chicago for probably about six months while Shea ties up loose ends there and I get_ Nightgowns: Chicago _to a consistent place. Then we’re coming back to Brooklyn. I had this anxiety built up in my mind for literal years that I would have to move to Chicago for Shea – and I do love Chicago! – but Brooklyn is my home. So when we sat down to have the conversation about where we were going to live I was so nervous, but it turns out Shea was really excited to move to New York! Just goes to show how much can be resolved if you just talk about it! [laughs]_

**Shea: It’s going to be so hard to leave Chicago because that’s the scene that brought me up and raised me into the drag queen that I am today. But I’m excited by the career opportunities in New York and I have always wanted to live in the city. I think the hardest part is going to be leaving my drag daughters, but they’ve promised to come and visit regularly and I will whoop their asses if they don’t!**

_Sasha: And we’ll have big, blended family dinners with the House of Velour and Maison Couleé._

**Shea: [smiling] That’s the future I see.**

OUT: Shea, Sasha, thank you so much for sitting down with us and we wish you all the best, in Chicago and after!


End file.
